This last week my fibromyalgia has been flaring very badly. I've been in an extreme amount of pain and exhausted, regularly having to nap and even then by 8 o'clock I am flagging badly and I'm having to take my painkillers a lot more frequently than I'd like.*
It's sucked, no question. No one likes to be in pain or feeling run down. It has been especially annoying this week because I didn't do anything to cause it. Often when I have flare it's caused by me over doing it, this time I didn't. In fact I was very careful about pacing and at no point over reached myself, and yet here I am popping pills and cursing slightly every time I move.
Unfortunately there isn't much I do about it either. I've stretched, took hot baths and showers, used microwave hot pads, and even meditation but nothing is really helping and there isn't anything the doctor can suggest to improve it. My only choice is to keep up what I'm doing, keep moving as much as I can and wait for it pass.
However, ever cloud has a silver lining even in this cloud of pain. For once I am in pain without being depressed. My mood has been very positive this week and I've got a lot done despite my pain. I finished crocheting a blanket, started a book and got almost all the Christmas cards finished and posted. I've not attacked myself over the fact I was struggling physically and accepted that I just have to take painkillers and keep going as best I can. I've even accepted that I need help and have not been ashamed to ask and receive the help I needed.
This has helped me with an old issue. I've often worried that my pain is just in my head, that it's a symptom of my depression. This has proved to me (my doctors already knew) that my pain is a physical illness, not a symptom of my mental illness. To have that distinction proved to my satisfaction is very reassuring.
Especially as recently I was chatting to a woman who asked about the fact I walk with a stick. I replied I had a chronic pain condition and explained (briefly) about fibromyalgia saying that my nerves thought they were in pain even when nothing was causing that pain. She said "Oh so it's a mental illess? It's just all in your head?" I replied that no it was a neurological illness. My nerves don't work right, not "I'm imagining" my pain. Even though the woman meant well and was actually a very nice woman that did rankle me more than I cared to admit.
Sometimes it's difficult to separate my physical illness from my mental but it's important to remember that while they can effect each other they are separate illnesses in their own right.
*For context the optimal amount of painkillers I would take in a day is none. I've been taking more like 3 or 4 a day for the last week.
Saturday 3 December 2011
Monday 28 November 2011
Ups and Downs
I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Saturday 26 November 2011
Medication
Awhile ago I was talking to a friend about depression. She mentioned she didn't want to be taking her pills as she didn't think she should have to rely on them. I understood that feeling because I have felt like that. But (as I told her) now I have a different view.
I view my anti-depressants the same way a person with...oh well lets say Type 1 diabetes views their insulin. I have an illness, my brain isn't producing certain chemicals correctly, I need medication to be well. The group counselling worked very well for me, but I still need medication and even then it's not plain sailing.
The last couple of weeks I've been up and down, most of the time I've been upbeat and happy but the bad days have happened and been very bad indeed. Not as bad as they were a year ago but bad enough to be worse than "normal" bad days. But I have more tools now and I have faith in myself that I can get past this. I know that depression lies to me now and even when it's convincing I don't trust it. I know that there is an end to it. But I still need my medication.
Medication isn't a weakness, it's a tool and (at least for me)a necessity.
I view my anti-depressants the same way a person with...oh well lets say Type 1 diabetes views their insulin. I have an illness, my brain isn't producing certain chemicals correctly, I need medication to be well. The group counselling worked very well for me, but I still need medication and even then it's not plain sailing.
The last couple of weeks I've been up and down, most of the time I've been upbeat and happy but the bad days have happened and been very bad indeed. Not as bad as they were a year ago but bad enough to be worse than "normal" bad days. But I have more tools now and I have faith in myself that I can get past this. I know that depression lies to me now and even when it's convincing I don't trust it. I know that there is an end to it. But I still need my medication.
Medication isn't a weakness, it's a tool and (at least for me)a necessity.
Thursday 27 October 2011
Light at the end of the tunnel
Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Unique
Unique is a word with thorns
that you stab into your skin.
Becoming a warning bramble
to keep others from coming in.
You revel in your bramble skin
and take pride as it pricks and tears.
Knowing you can keep everyone out
and pretend you have no cares.
Unique is a word we call ourselves,
or enjoy when given the name,
that we use as an excuse to run away
or maybe shift the blame.
It’s okay to be different
and stand out from the crowd.
Marching to a new drumbeat
and singing loud and proud.
It’s when difference is a shield
instead of a banner flying.
We should use it to show off,
not to aid our hiding.
So rejoice in our uniqueness
but invite the rest around.
‘Cause when we’re flying high
they keep us tethered to the ground.
We need to keep the balance
between the earth and sky
and it can be “we together”
instead of relying on “I”.
that you stab into your skin.
Becoming a warning bramble
to keep others from coming in.
You revel in your bramble skin
and take pride as it pricks and tears.
Knowing you can keep everyone out
and pretend you have no cares.
Unique is a word we call ourselves,
or enjoy when given the name,
that we use as an excuse to run away
or maybe shift the blame.
It’s okay to be different
and stand out from the crowd.
Marching to a new drumbeat
and singing loud and proud.
It’s when difference is a shield
instead of a banner flying.
We should use it to show off,
not to aid our hiding.
So rejoice in our uniqueness
but invite the rest around.
‘Cause when we’re flying high
they keep us tethered to the ground.
We need to keep the balance
between the earth and sky
and it can be “we together”
instead of relying on “I”.
Saturday 22 October 2011
Wondering if I'm bi-polar
Bi-polar disorder (or Manic Depression) runs in my family and my mom for a long time has suggested that I might have it. This is something I've furiously denied and in fact gotten quite angry about. I was sure I wasn't manic because I didn't do the very specific things my family members did while manic.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
Wednesday 19 October 2011
"Mommy Can't"
It's a struggle when my son wants to dance or to play running games with me to say no. Especially when I really should.
Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.
But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.
It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".
But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.
If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.
Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.
But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.
It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".
But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.
If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.
Monday 17 October 2011
Pain and Depression
I'm doing so much better with my depression compared to where I was a year ago though I'm still struggling to an extent with both depression and anxiety. I mean making a hair appointment over the phone is still a big accomplishment for me, and probably always will be.
The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.
Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.
I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.
But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.
I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.
The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.
Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.
I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.
But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.
I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.
Thursday 13 October 2011
Last Week
Yesterday was the last official day of my group therapy. I’m sad I’m not going next week as I had really come to look forward to meeting up with everyone.
We’ve exchanged contact info though and are planning to meet up in three weeks time. One of group has dubbed us Mad Club which I just love! I want a badge that says that now! Possibly tee-shirts as well, yeah definitely need tee-shirts.
This last meeting was mostly about avoiding a relapse and giving us lots of advice for how to avoid it but also new ways of thinking about if we do have a relapse. I gave a fairly impassioned speech about how I think I can make a difference to my life now because I have accepted that this is a life long struggle.
I can stay on top of it most of the time (hopefully) now with these tools but it’s going to have to be constant vigilance, and similarly I may never be able to come off my medication as that might be an essential part of my ongoing treatment.
We gave lots of suggestions for how to notice early warning signs and how to battle them. One of the most brilliant suggested by one of the other members is to get a small notebook and fill it with things like “Go make a cup of tea”, “Go for a walk” “Take a bath” and that is your emergency help book.
Something I think is a really really brilliant idea.
Next week I have an appointment about therapy at the CFS clinic for my fibromyalgia which is good because I am really struggling with my pain at the moment and my pain and depression go very hand and hand for me.
That’s part of why winter is so hard for me, the cold makes my pain a lot lot worse and my mood drops as I struggle in pain. I’m glad I have the appointment next week.
At the moment I have a sense of humour about it all and I really want to keep that.
We’ve exchanged contact info though and are planning to meet up in three weeks time. One of group has dubbed us Mad Club which I just love! I want a badge that says that now! Possibly tee-shirts as well, yeah definitely need tee-shirts.
This last meeting was mostly about avoiding a relapse and giving us lots of advice for how to avoid it but also new ways of thinking about if we do have a relapse. I gave a fairly impassioned speech about how I think I can make a difference to my life now because I have accepted that this is a life long struggle.
I can stay on top of it most of the time (hopefully) now with these tools but it’s going to have to be constant vigilance, and similarly I may never be able to come off my medication as that might be an essential part of my ongoing treatment.
We gave lots of suggestions for how to notice early warning signs and how to battle them. One of the most brilliant suggested by one of the other members is to get a small notebook and fill it with things like “Go make a cup of tea”, “Go for a walk” “Take a bath” and that is your emergency help book.
Something I think is a really really brilliant idea.
Next week I have an appointment about therapy at the CFS clinic for my fibromyalgia which is good because I am really struggling with my pain at the moment and my pain and depression go very hand and hand for me.
That’s part of why winter is so hard for me, the cold makes my pain a lot lot worse and my mood drops as I struggle in pain. I’m glad I have the appointment next week.
At the moment I have a sense of humour about it all and I really want to keep that.
Monday 10 October 2011
Absence makes the heart grow
I’ve been away from Tumblr for awhile for 4 reasons.
1. I broke my foot which threw me off schedule.
2. I’ve been cutting down one of my mental health meds and it took me awhile to get used to the lower dose.
3. I’ve been creating!
4. I’ve been happy.
I’ve been doing a lot better the last couple of weeks. Keeping up with the CBT therapy has been difficult but rewarding, when I forget to do it I do notice a difference so it’s something I’m going to have to maintain. But it has helped so much.
The worry I have is that we’re coming into winter. Winter is always the hardest time for me and it’s the time I’m most likely to have a relapse. I’m hoping I’ll keep getting some kind of professional support through this winter because I need to get through a winter without a relapse. I feel that if I can get through one winter I’ll be able to get through all winters…but it’s still a fear in my head.
Things are a lot better now though, a lot LOT better. This gives me hope which is so important.
Oh, and I have pink hair now :)
1. I broke my foot which threw me off schedule.
2. I’ve been cutting down one of my mental health meds and it took me awhile to get used to the lower dose.
3. I’ve been creating!
4. I’ve been happy.
I’ve been doing a lot better the last couple of weeks. Keeping up with the CBT therapy has been difficult but rewarding, when I forget to do it I do notice a difference so it’s something I’m going to have to maintain. But it has helped so much.
The worry I have is that we’re coming into winter. Winter is always the hardest time for me and it’s the time I’m most likely to have a relapse. I’m hoping I’ll keep getting some kind of professional support through this winter because I need to get through a winter without a relapse. I feel that if I can get through one winter I’ll be able to get through all winters…but it’s still a fear in my head.
Things are a lot better now though, a lot LOT better. This gives me hope which is so important.
Oh, and I have pink hair now :)
Sunday 18 September 2011
Break the Rules
I have built up a lot of rules to protect myself. They don’t actually protect me though, they just reinforce the self beliefs that I’m stupid, lazy or some how a liar.
So the task t the moment is to start breaking those rules. So I’m taking “I shouldn’t try anything that might challenge me intellectually.” which reinforces that “I’m stupid.” belief.
I’m going to break this rule by studying for my my Life in the Uk test, which is an important step to getting my Dual Citizenship which we help me enormously.
Still feeling sick at the thought but going to try.
So the task t the moment is to start breaking those rules. So I’m taking “I shouldn’t try anything that might challenge me intellectually.” which reinforces that “I’m stupid.” belief.
I’m going to break this rule by studying for my my Life in the Uk test, which is an important step to getting my Dual Citizenship which we help me enormously.
Still feeling sick at the thought but going to try.
Sunday 11 September 2011
Undeserving My Ass!
For a long time I went without pierced ears, make up, or dressing for my shape.
This was because I wasn’t pretty anyway so it was a waste of time or money.
Fuck that. Fuck that forever.
I am a pear shape. I have clothing that works for my shape, I have pretty makeup that I know how to wear and I went out and got my ears pierced today because yeah, I do deserve it.
I may not be what the beauty industry is trying to convince me is “pretty” but hey, I’m not ugly, I have beauty even in my rolls and my hips and my big ole ass. I deserve pretty things as much as any skinny little stick figure with poofy lips.
I have worth and I have beauty and I am who I am and I am not going to say “I don’t deserve such and such because I’m not such and such” anymore.
I deserve love, I deserve pretty things in my life, I deserve laughter, I deserve happiness and am going to fucking go out there and find it and get it and enjoy it.
My depression can go to straight to a metaphorical hell.
This was because I wasn’t pretty anyway so it was a waste of time or money.
Fuck that. Fuck that forever.
I am a pear shape. I have clothing that works for my shape, I have pretty makeup that I know how to wear and I went out and got my ears pierced today because yeah, I do deserve it.
I may not be what the beauty industry is trying to convince me is “pretty” but hey, I’m not ugly, I have beauty even in my rolls and my hips and my big ole ass. I deserve pretty things as much as any skinny little stick figure with poofy lips.
I have worth and I have beauty and I am who I am and I am not going to say “I don’t deserve such and such because I’m not such and such” anymore.
I deserve love, I deserve pretty things in my life, I deserve laughter, I deserve happiness and am going to fucking go out there and find it and get it and enjoy it.
My depression can go to straight to a metaphorical hell.
Thursday 1 September 2011
Bottom Line
Yesterday it was about identifying the “bottom line” trying to find the core belief about ourselves that starts the cycle of depression and self hatred.
After going through everything there are two thoughts that are the first things I think of whenever I am bashing myself.
“I am stupid”
And much more hurtful was “I am a lazy liar.”
I can name three moments from school where teachers called me a liar when I wasn’t and I can name a lot more incidents with my peers. Those were some of the most hurtful memories I have. Combine that with ages of going to the doctor in pain and exhausted and being condescended and belittled and told I was just fat and if I exercised more then I would be okay. It wasn’t until I was sat in a doctors office in the UK crying because I’m sure I won’t be believed before I got diagnosed with an actual disorder.
The stupid comes from not doing as well as I originally thought I could but even more so because I never got a college education.
But because I am so afraid of being criticised and being labelled “lazy” or worse a “liar” that I avoid all social contact. I hardly leave the house and god forbid I let anyone into my house to see what a mess it is. I am too afraid to try anything to difficult intellectual wise because I’m afraid of failure, and conversely I push myself too hard physically and then collapse. Confirming to my mind that I’m a failure and a liar and lazy.
I’ve built rules to protect myself but they don’t actually protect me, they just feed those awful beliefs about myself.
My rules?
1. Don’t try anything to difficult intellectually, you won’t understand it and just fail.
2. Don’t get to know people, then they won’t have a chance to decide you’re liar and lazy.
3. Don’t let people see the real me
4. I must push myself to do things even when I don’t have the energy to do it.
Yeah….those aren’t going to actually protect me.
This was a difficult process to go through, I cried in group having to admit I believe myself to be lazy and a liar…or at least believe that’s what others think of me. It surprised me that that was at the core of my self image and self hate but it makes sense. I am always terrified people will not believe me, especially in regards to my health. Which is made worse by the fact that it’s an invisible illness and I don’t look sick.
There is a lot more to this as well but yeah, this is at the core. The idea I won’t be believed.
After going through everything there are two thoughts that are the first things I think of whenever I am bashing myself.
“I am stupid”
And much more hurtful was “I am a lazy liar.”
I can name three moments from school where teachers called me a liar when I wasn’t and I can name a lot more incidents with my peers. Those were some of the most hurtful memories I have. Combine that with ages of going to the doctor in pain and exhausted and being condescended and belittled and told I was just fat and if I exercised more then I would be okay. It wasn’t until I was sat in a doctors office in the UK crying because I’m sure I won’t be believed before I got diagnosed with an actual disorder.
The stupid comes from not doing as well as I originally thought I could but even more so because I never got a college education.
But because I am so afraid of being criticised and being labelled “lazy” or worse a “liar” that I avoid all social contact. I hardly leave the house and god forbid I let anyone into my house to see what a mess it is. I am too afraid to try anything to difficult intellectual wise because I’m afraid of failure, and conversely I push myself too hard physically and then collapse. Confirming to my mind that I’m a failure and a liar and lazy.
I’ve built rules to protect myself but they don’t actually protect me, they just feed those awful beliefs about myself.
My rules?
1. Don’t try anything to difficult intellectually, you won’t understand it and just fail.
2. Don’t get to know people, then they won’t have a chance to decide you’re liar and lazy.
3. Don’t let people see the real me
4. I must push myself to do things even when I don’t have the energy to do it.
Yeah….those aren’t going to actually protect me.
This was a difficult process to go through, I cried in group having to admit I believe myself to be lazy and a liar…or at least believe that’s what others think of me. It surprised me that that was at the core of my self image and self hate but it makes sense. I am always terrified people will not believe me, especially in regards to my health. Which is made worse by the fact that it’s an invisible illness and I don’t look sick.
There is a lot more to this as well but yeah, this is at the core. The idea I won’t be believed.
Friday 26 August 2011
Lies
have been increasing frustrated that people in my life, people I am close to and love dearly, have been apparently bewildered and upset at finding out how deeply depressed and anxious I’ve been. Then I had an epiphany, and I suddenly understood why they were confused and even hurt.
It’s because my dear ones, my kith and kin, my loved ones of all kinds, it’s because I have been lying to you.
In thought, word and action I have lied to you, and I am so very good at lying. Almost every smile and every laugh, every apparent moment of calm, every semblance of control was a lie and inside I was in pain. That’s not to say I was never actually happy, you’re all dear to me, in part because you brought me joy that touched me through my pain and showed be beauty beyond my cracked and twisted view of the world. Whenever I have expressed love, affection or happiness in your company I have meant it, but at the same time I was lying to you.
I have managed to lie even when I have talked, apparently openly, about my depression. Even if you think you have heard or seen me at my worst you haven’t, I have always held something back. Always tried to make it seem less bad then it really was, always trying to keep people from worrying. Often I believed my own lies, believed I was better, believed I didn’t need or deserve help. You see, you weren’t the only one I was lying to I was always lying to myself as well.
I’m lying to you now, I have cut a paragraph out of this post because I was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But basically the cut paragraph was trying to say that no one is to blame for my problems. I was born a sensitive, empathic person, with problems in spatial awareness and numbers, if nothing else school was going to fuck me up. I was destined to have some issues.
Also there is a limit at what friends and family can do if you’re pretending everything is okay, I have lied to everyone except the one person I physical cannot lie to…and I married him.
Now here’s the kicker, the reason I was frustrated with my loved one for being confused is because I didn’t realise you didn’t know.
Even when I became aware that I was hiding my depression I thought you all knew because I thought it was obvious. To me it’s felt like I’m holding a big sign saying I’m depressed on it, it’s only recently that I became aware that it isn’t as outwardly visible as I thought.
I think if I had been able to be honest with myself or my family or even my friends I might have got the help sooner. Saying that there wasn’t very much help around 10 years ago, so maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.
The point of this is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I’m still lying to you and frankly I can not promise that I will ever stop lying in some way because i can’t be constantly living with my depression on my sleeve. I’m lying to you right now, because I have to. In order to write anything I have to lie by omission. At least I can lie a little bit less, try to show you at least some of the picture. You know instead if hiding it and then getting upset because you don’t know why it looks like, because I now realise you aren’t all psychics.
Oh, and thank you. You’ve all been a help and support to me when I’ve needed it, thank you very much, for sticking by me. Even when its confusing, and even when you know I’m lying you’ve stuck by me and I do appreciate it.
It’s because my dear ones, my kith and kin, my loved ones of all kinds, it’s because I have been lying to you.
In thought, word and action I have lied to you, and I am so very good at lying. Almost every smile and every laugh, every apparent moment of calm, every semblance of control was a lie and inside I was in pain. That’s not to say I was never actually happy, you’re all dear to me, in part because you brought me joy that touched me through my pain and showed be beauty beyond my cracked and twisted view of the world. Whenever I have expressed love, affection or happiness in your company I have meant it, but at the same time I was lying to you.
I have managed to lie even when I have talked, apparently openly, about my depression. Even if you think you have heard or seen me at my worst you haven’t, I have always held something back. Always tried to make it seem less bad then it really was, always trying to keep people from worrying. Often I believed my own lies, believed I was better, believed I didn’t need or deserve help. You see, you weren’t the only one I was lying to I was always lying to myself as well.
I’m lying to you now, I have cut a paragraph out of this post because I was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But basically the cut paragraph was trying to say that no one is to blame for my problems. I was born a sensitive, empathic person, with problems in spatial awareness and numbers, if nothing else school was going to fuck me up. I was destined to have some issues.
Also there is a limit at what friends and family can do if you’re pretending everything is okay, I have lied to everyone except the one person I physical cannot lie to…and I married him.
Now here’s the kicker, the reason I was frustrated with my loved one for being confused is because I didn’t realise you didn’t know.
Even when I became aware that I was hiding my depression I thought you all knew because I thought it was obvious. To me it’s felt like I’m holding a big sign saying I’m depressed on it, it’s only recently that I became aware that it isn’t as outwardly visible as I thought.
I think if I had been able to be honest with myself or my family or even my friends I might have got the help sooner. Saying that there wasn’t very much help around 10 years ago, so maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.
The point of this is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I’m still lying to you and frankly I can not promise that I will ever stop lying in some way because i can’t be constantly living with my depression on my sleeve. I’m lying to you right now, because I have to. In order to write anything I have to lie by omission. At least I can lie a little bit less, try to show you at least some of the picture. You know instead if hiding it and then getting upset because you don’t know why it looks like, because I now realise you aren’t all psychics.
Oh, and thank you. You’ve all been a help and support to me when I’ve needed it, thank you very much, for sticking by me. Even when its confusing, and even when you know I’m lying you’ve stuck by me and I do appreciate it.
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk5
Holy shit today was an emotional minefield.
Basically today we were looking at early experiences or adult experiences that might have contributed to low self esteem.
I had quite a few like bullying and teasing in school and being the “odd one”, and as an adult what struck me is how much I think if myself as odd, as not fitting in. It’s partly a consequence of moving countries and getting to a point where I don’t feel I properly belong to either, and partly because being queer means I feel that I’m not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals….
There’s a lot more but those are main points.
Sometimes I feel I’ve spent my whole life failing to fit in, and now I see I sometimes almost shove my “oddness” in other people’s faces. Not deliberately but because I except to be rejected for it, and when I’m not I prod at it like a sore tooth, trying to make it hurt.
I am a little odd and different, but in a good way. The fact I’m a expat American or queer aren’t that important…I need to be okay with those sides of me and stop worrying how other people think of me.
Saying that my “I would bang her” discussions with my husband will stand…that’s not about pushing my queerness, that’s just being me with my husband and having fun at the same time!
Basically today we were looking at early experiences or adult experiences that might have contributed to low self esteem.
I had quite a few like bullying and teasing in school and being the “odd one”, and as an adult what struck me is how much I think if myself as odd, as not fitting in. It’s partly a consequence of moving countries and getting to a point where I don’t feel I properly belong to either, and partly because being queer means I feel that I’m not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals….
There’s a lot more but those are main points.
Sometimes I feel I’ve spent my whole life failing to fit in, and now I see I sometimes almost shove my “oddness” in other people’s faces. Not deliberately but because I except to be rejected for it, and when I’m not I prod at it like a sore tooth, trying to make it hurt.
I am a little odd and different, but in a good way. The fact I’m a expat American or queer aren’t that important…I need to be okay with those sides of me and stop worrying how other people think of me.
Saying that my “I would bang her” discussions with my husband will stand…that’s not about pushing my queerness, that’s just being me with my husband and having fun at the same time!
Monday 22 August 2011
Why?
I pushed myself today to get all of the weekend work and all of Mondays (some of which could legitimately have waited until tomorrow). Now I’m in a fuck ton of pain and exhausted and why?
Why the fuck did I do that? Because I wanted to prove I was the best worker? THEY’RE LAYING ME OFF, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PROVE?
I’m annoyed with myself.
Why the fuck did I do that? Because I wanted to prove I was the best worker? THEY’RE LAYING ME OFF, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PROVE?
I’m annoyed with myself.
Thursday 18 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk4
Yesterday in group I was asked to list 5 positive qualities I had and 5 skills I had.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but I eventually came up with five of each. The real challenge is that I’m supposed to do this at the end of each day, spend time listing qualities and skills I USED that day.
What was really nice though is I mentioned this to my father in law and he said “well you have so many good ones!” which was unexpected and really nice to hear.
This homework might be the hardest yet.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but I eventually came up with five of each. The real challenge is that I’m supposed to do this at the end of each day, spend time listing qualities and skills I USED that day.
What was really nice though is I mentioned this to my father in law and he said “well you have so many good ones!” which was unexpected and really nice to hear.
This homework might be the hardest yet.
Monday 15 August 2011
Words are Power
What I’m finding is the power of words. I find myself feeling sad or angry, and starting to think “I am a failure. Everyone is unhappy because I suck. I should be better” and instead of just getting more and more wrapped in self hatred and depression I can stop.
Look at my thoughts, and name them.
“I am a failure”- Emotional Reasoning, I’m tired and in pain and therefore looking for reasons why I feel low.
“Everyone is unhappy because I suck.”- Personalising, everything bad in the universe is my fault because, you know, I control everything. It’s ridiculous and silly to take on the faults of the world.
“I should be better.” Living By Fixed Rules, should, must, ought….words that mean I am not good enough. It also means I’m making rules no one else is holding me to.
By naming them I can see what I’m doing and they lose power. I go from 90% sadness to 15 or 20% simply by naming and taking the power away from the thought processes.
Names are power.
Look at my thoughts, and name them.
“I am a failure”- Emotional Reasoning, I’m tired and in pain and therefore looking for reasons why I feel low.
“Everyone is unhappy because I suck.”- Personalising, everything bad in the universe is my fault because, you know, I control everything. It’s ridiculous and silly to take on the faults of the world.
“I should be better.” Living By Fixed Rules, should, must, ought….words that mean I am not good enough. It also means I’m making rules no one else is holding me to.
By naming them I can see what I’m doing and they lose power. I go from 90% sadness to 15 or 20% simply by naming and taking the power away from the thought processes.
Names are power.
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk3
I am shattered at the moment. Exhausted so badly I can clearly see that my fibromyalgia is bad at the moment when it comes to fatigue. But I will try to say what I have taken away from the third week of Self Esteem/Depression workshop.
Today I learned I have Mind/Heart lag. That means intellectually I can go “What I am feeling isn’t reality, this is (blank) and not real” but I am unable to stop the feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, despair…etc. For a long time I thought that meant I will never get better, and then the woman running the group turns to me and names it and tells me that eventually I will change how I think. Because today was about identifying thoughts for what they are to change the neural pathways from a negative to a positive or at least a neutral.
For instance I need to change the thought pattern that starts with me feeling low 2 weeks before my period and automatically thinking that it’s because I am a failure as a person to “I am feeling low because I am premenstrual”
The husband has compared it to paths on Dartmoor. Once a path is established it gets used a lot and it’s quite hard to start a new path. But once the new path is started it slowly gains more and more traffic and the old path gets overgrown from disuse.
That is what I’m trying to do with my thoughts.
Obviously this course is only going to help if I can keep doing it after this group ends. It’s a challenge but I want this, I can do it.
I hope…
Today I learned I have Mind/Heart lag. That means intellectually I can go “What I am feeling isn’t reality, this is (blank) and not real” but I am unable to stop the feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, despair…etc. For a long time I thought that meant I will never get better, and then the woman running the group turns to me and names it and tells me that eventually I will change how I think. Because today was about identifying thoughts for what they are to change the neural pathways from a negative to a positive or at least a neutral.
For instance I need to change the thought pattern that starts with me feeling low 2 weeks before my period and automatically thinking that it’s because I am a failure as a person to “I am feeling low because I am premenstrual”
The husband has compared it to paths on Dartmoor. Once a path is established it gets used a lot and it’s quite hard to start a new path. But once the new path is started it slowly gains more and more traffic and the old path gets overgrown from disuse.
That is what I’m trying to do with my thoughts.
Obviously this course is only going to help if I can keep doing it after this group ends. It’s a challenge but I want this, I can do it.
I hope…
Thursday 4 August 2011
Practice
Today I was ill, woke up feeling like death and in so my son went to the childcare rather then stay home. I maybe could have watched him in a pinch? But it would have been mostly from the bathroom and with great difficulty.
Because of this situation I spent the day telling myself what a bad mother I was. After several hours of making myself more and more miserable I paused.
I stopped, thought about how I was thinking, then got out some paper and a pen and did a thought map. I also did another exercise out of my homework and kind of examined what I was doing. It helped me a bit to put it on paper and see how I was reacting and see how it was disproportionate.
I still felt miserable but slighty less so, so practice does help.
Because of this situation I spent the day telling myself what a bad mother I was. After several hours of making myself more and more miserable I paused.
I stopped, thought about how I was thinking, then got out some paper and a pen and did a thought map. I also did another exercise out of my homework and kind of examined what I was doing. It helped me a bit to put it on paper and see how I was reacting and see how it was disproportionate.
I still felt miserable but slighty less so, so practice does help.
Self Esteem Wk2
You know what? I’m feeling too drained and raw to tell you in detail what we went over in my self esteem workshop but it was helpful. I feel supported and like the homework we have is going to make a difference.
But it is also terrifying, difficult and intimidating to change and take back control of my life. This isn’t easy, in fact the first few days after my first session last week were worse depression wise.
The point is this is a struggle, and so it’s hard to talk about.
But it is also terrifying, difficult and intimidating to change and take back control of my life. This isn’t easy, in fact the first few days after my first session last week were worse depression wise.
The point is this is a struggle, and so it’s hard to talk about.
Wednesday 27 July 2011
Self Esteem and Depression Group
Today was the first of ten weeks of a Self Esteem and Depression workshop.
I will start off by saying a part of this group is confidentiality; as such I will mention no names or any personal stories my fellow course mates might relate. This blog will only be about the course material and my personal feelings/reactions.
It was a bit awkward starting this week as we were all new to this and nervous and so on. The information was interesting though. The general guide to the course was the following:
How Low Self-Esteem Develops
Early Experience: events, relationships, living conditions which have implications for ideas about the self eg- Abuse; Neglect; Bullying; Rejection; being the ‘odd one out’.
Leading to…
The Bottom Line: Assessment of worth/value as a person. Conclusion about the self, based on experience eg- I am bad, I am worthless, I am stupid, I am not good enough.
Leading to…
Rules For Living: Guidelines, policies or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the Bottom Line Standards against which self worth can be measured eg- I must always put others first; if I say what I think I will be rejected; unless I do everything to the highest possible standard I will achieve nothing.
Leading to What Keeps Self-Esteem Going
Trigger Situations: Situations in which rules of living are, or may be, broken eg-being rejected; the prospect of failure; the possibility of being out of control.
This leads to the circle of Activation of the Bottom Line—>Negative Predictions/Anxiety—>Unhelpful Behaviour—>Confirmation of the Bottom Line—->Self-critical thoughts—>Depression which leads to Activation of the Bottom Line….
When I looked at this my first thought was “Okay…that’s my life…” well not really abuse and neglect but I did get a lot of bullying and situations that effected me as a kid. I part because I’m naturally sensitive, and I definitely felt like the odd on out. Everything else that follows….yeah….
We were then given a a chance to look at the five aspects map which relates to specific situations (we did getting ready to come to the workshop as an example) the map is below:
Situation
example: going to the workshop meeting
Thoughts & Images
Example: I should be able to cope, I’m going to make a fool of myself
Physical Sensations.
Shaky, nauseous, tight chest.
Moods/Emotions
Anxious, fear, panic,
Behaviours/What I did or didn’t do
sought reassurance, closed escape routes
This shows how these things feed into each other and it just cycles on an on and gets worse. But it can also cycle positively as well! Which is an important thing to remember.
It was a lot of information to take in, and in a lot of ways left me more anxious but it should be helpful in the long run. My homework from this was an activity diary where I have to record activity, mood, enjoyment and achievement.
I’m feeling bit overwhelmed by it all but at least one thing was cleared up for me. Before when I’ve gotten a bit better from my depression my wonderful supportive husband turns into a bit of a dick. Apparently that’s normal because when one person is going through voluntary change it puts their partner through change as well which is kinda forced on them. That causes them to push back subconsciously. A bit of a relief for the husband and me to know that it’s normal.
All in all…good first meeting but mildly terrifying.
I will start off by saying a part of this group is confidentiality; as such I will mention no names or any personal stories my fellow course mates might relate. This blog will only be about the course material and my personal feelings/reactions.
It was a bit awkward starting this week as we were all new to this and nervous and so on. The information was interesting though. The general guide to the course was the following:
How Low Self-Esteem Develops
Early Experience: events, relationships, living conditions which have implications for ideas about the self eg- Abuse; Neglect; Bullying; Rejection; being the ‘odd one out’.
Leading to…
The Bottom Line: Assessment of worth/value as a person. Conclusion about the self, based on experience eg- I am bad, I am worthless, I am stupid, I am not good enough.
Leading to…
Rules For Living: Guidelines, policies or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the Bottom Line Standards against which self worth can be measured eg- I must always put others first; if I say what I think I will be rejected; unless I do everything to the highest possible standard I will achieve nothing.
Leading to What Keeps Self-Esteem Going
Trigger Situations: Situations in which rules of living are, or may be, broken eg-being rejected; the prospect of failure; the possibility of being out of control.
This leads to the circle of Activation of the Bottom Line—>Negative Predictions/Anxiety—>Unhelpful Behaviour—>Confirmation of the Bottom Line—->Self-critical thoughts—>Depression which leads to Activation of the Bottom Line….
When I looked at this my first thought was “Okay…that’s my life…” well not really abuse and neglect but I did get a lot of bullying and situations that effected me as a kid. I part because I’m naturally sensitive, and I definitely felt like the odd on out. Everything else that follows….yeah….
We were then given a a chance to look at the five aspects map which relates to specific situations (we did getting ready to come to the workshop as an example) the map is below:
Situation
example: going to the workshop meeting
Thoughts & Images
Example: I should be able to cope, I’m going to make a fool of myself
Physical Sensations.
Shaky, nauseous, tight chest.
Moods/Emotions
Anxious, fear, panic,
Behaviours/What I did or didn’t do
sought reassurance, closed escape routes
This shows how these things feed into each other and it just cycles on an on and gets worse. But it can also cycle positively as well! Which is an important thing to remember.
It was a lot of information to take in, and in a lot of ways left me more anxious but it should be helpful in the long run. My homework from this was an activity diary where I have to record activity, mood, enjoyment and achievement.
I’m feeling bit overwhelmed by it all but at least one thing was cleared up for me. Before when I’ve gotten a bit better from my depression my wonderful supportive husband turns into a bit of a dick. Apparently that’s normal because when one person is going through voluntary change it puts their partner through change as well which is kinda forced on them. That causes them to push back subconsciously. A bit of a relief for the husband and me to know that it’s normal.
All in all…good first meeting but mildly terrifying.
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Sleep Deprivation
Tomorrow is the the first day of my self-esteem and depression workshop, I find out what is happening in regards to being made redudent on Thursday, I am three days late for my period, and my fibromyalgia is flaring very badly.
On top of this list of frustrations and anxiety I have not had a decent nights sleep in a week. I am running at exhaustion levels. This is important because I’ve had to ask for help this morning and tomorrow morning because I am beyond able to cope. I was feeling guilty and thinking what a bad Mom, Wife, Daughter-in-law and Friend I was when I realised I was doing what I always do: beat myself up for things I can’t help.
I need help this week because I am shattered, sleep deprivation is a decent reason to ask for help.
I have an interesting couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll definitely report on the workshop, but I must remember that needing help because I’m ill is not something I should be ashamed of or apologise for.
Of course knowing doesn’t always help….
On top of this list of frustrations and anxiety I have not had a decent nights sleep in a week. I am running at exhaustion levels. This is important because I’ve had to ask for help this morning and tomorrow morning because I am beyond able to cope. I was feeling guilty and thinking what a bad Mom, Wife, Daughter-in-law and Friend I was when I realised I was doing what I always do: beat myself up for things I can’t help.
I need help this week because I am shattered, sleep deprivation is a decent reason to ask for help.
I have an interesting couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll definitely report on the workshop, but I must remember that needing help because I’m ill is not something I should be ashamed of or apologise for.
Of course knowing doesn’t always help….
Friday 22 July 2011
Holy Crap!
You know how I said on Monday I was told I would be referred to a Self Esteem workshop in order to get me started on some sort of treatment of any kind?
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Level 3 Assessment
The building where I go for my mental health treatments seem designed to trigger a panic attack. It’s in the old hospital, a rambling Victorian derelict that is mostly boarded up with condemned signs warning about asbestos. It looks like the setting from a horror film so I’m already nervous before I get to the tiny section still in use.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
Saturday 18 June 2011
Beginning
Hi.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
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