I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Showing posts with label bi-polar disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bi-polar disorder. Show all posts
Monday, 28 November 2011
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Light at the end of the tunnel
Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Wondering if I'm bi-polar
Bi-polar disorder (or Manic Depression) runs in my family and my mom for a long time has suggested that I might have it. This is something I've furiously denied and in fact gotten quite angry about. I was sure I wasn't manic because I didn't do the very specific things my family members did while manic.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)