have been increasing frustrated that people in my life, people I am close to and love dearly, have been apparently bewildered and upset at finding out how deeply depressed and anxious I’ve been. Then I had an epiphany, and I suddenly understood why they were confused and even hurt.
It’s because my dear ones, my kith and kin, my loved ones of all kinds, it’s because I have been lying to you.
In thought, word and action I have lied to you, and I am so very good at lying. Almost every smile and every laugh, every apparent moment of calm, every semblance of control was a lie and inside I was in pain. That’s not to say I was never actually happy, you’re all dear to me, in part because you brought me joy that touched me through my pain and showed be beauty beyond my cracked and twisted view of the world. Whenever I have expressed love, affection or happiness in your company I have meant it, but at the same time I was lying to you.
I have managed to lie even when I have talked, apparently openly, about my depression. Even if you think you have heard or seen me at my worst you haven’t, I have always held something back. Always tried to make it seem less bad then it really was, always trying to keep people from worrying. Often I believed my own lies, believed I was better, believed I didn’t need or deserve help. You see, you weren’t the only one I was lying to I was always lying to myself as well.
I’m lying to you now, I have cut a paragraph out of this post because I was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But basically the cut paragraph was trying to say that no one is to blame for my problems. I was born a sensitive, empathic person, with problems in spatial awareness and numbers, if nothing else school was going to fuck me up. I was destined to have some issues.
Also there is a limit at what friends and family can do if you’re pretending everything is okay, I have lied to everyone except the one person I physical cannot lie to…and I married him.
Now here’s the kicker, the reason I was frustrated with my loved one for being confused is because I didn’t realise you didn’t know.
Even when I became aware that I was hiding my depression I thought you all knew because I thought it was obvious. To me it’s felt like I’m holding a big sign saying I’m depressed on it, it’s only recently that I became aware that it isn’t as outwardly visible as I thought.
I think if I had been able to be honest with myself or my family or even my friends I might have got the help sooner. Saying that there wasn’t very much help around 10 years ago, so maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.
The point of this is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I’m still lying to you and frankly I can not promise that I will ever stop lying in some way because i can’t be constantly living with my depression on my sleeve. I’m lying to you right now, because I have to. In order to write anything I have to lie by omission. At least I can lie a little bit less, try to show you at least some of the picture. You know instead if hiding it and then getting upset because you don’t know why it looks like, because I now realise you aren’t all psychics.
Oh, and thank you. You’ve all been a help and support to me when I’ve needed it, thank you very much, for sticking by me. Even when its confusing, and even when you know I’m lying you’ve stuck by me and I do appreciate it.
Friday 26 August 2011
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk5
Holy shit today was an emotional minefield.
Basically today we were looking at early experiences or adult experiences that might have contributed to low self esteem.
I had quite a few like bullying and teasing in school and being the “odd one”, and as an adult what struck me is how much I think if myself as odd, as not fitting in. It’s partly a consequence of moving countries and getting to a point where I don’t feel I properly belong to either, and partly because being queer means I feel that I’m not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals….
There’s a lot more but those are main points.
Sometimes I feel I’ve spent my whole life failing to fit in, and now I see I sometimes almost shove my “oddness” in other people’s faces. Not deliberately but because I except to be rejected for it, and when I’m not I prod at it like a sore tooth, trying to make it hurt.
I am a little odd and different, but in a good way. The fact I’m a expat American or queer aren’t that important…I need to be okay with those sides of me and stop worrying how other people think of me.
Saying that my “I would bang her” discussions with my husband will stand…that’s not about pushing my queerness, that’s just being me with my husband and having fun at the same time!
Basically today we were looking at early experiences or adult experiences that might have contributed to low self esteem.
I had quite a few like bullying and teasing in school and being the “odd one”, and as an adult what struck me is how much I think if myself as odd, as not fitting in. It’s partly a consequence of moving countries and getting to a point where I don’t feel I properly belong to either, and partly because being queer means I feel that I’m not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals….
There’s a lot more but those are main points.
Sometimes I feel I’ve spent my whole life failing to fit in, and now I see I sometimes almost shove my “oddness” in other people’s faces. Not deliberately but because I except to be rejected for it, and when I’m not I prod at it like a sore tooth, trying to make it hurt.
I am a little odd and different, but in a good way. The fact I’m a expat American or queer aren’t that important…I need to be okay with those sides of me and stop worrying how other people think of me.
Saying that my “I would bang her” discussions with my husband will stand…that’s not about pushing my queerness, that’s just being me with my husband and having fun at the same time!
Monday 22 August 2011
Why?
I pushed myself today to get all of the weekend work and all of Mondays (some of which could legitimately have waited until tomorrow). Now I’m in a fuck ton of pain and exhausted and why?
Why the fuck did I do that? Because I wanted to prove I was the best worker? THEY’RE LAYING ME OFF, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PROVE?
I’m annoyed with myself.
Why the fuck did I do that? Because I wanted to prove I was the best worker? THEY’RE LAYING ME OFF, WHAT IN THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PROVE?
I’m annoyed with myself.
Thursday 18 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk4
Yesterday in group I was asked to list 5 positive qualities I had and 5 skills I had.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but I eventually came up with five of each. The real challenge is that I’m supposed to do this at the end of each day, spend time listing qualities and skills I USED that day.
What was really nice though is I mentioned this to my father in law and he said “well you have so many good ones!” which was unexpected and really nice to hear.
This homework might be the hardest yet.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do but I eventually came up with five of each. The real challenge is that I’m supposed to do this at the end of each day, spend time listing qualities and skills I USED that day.
What was really nice though is I mentioned this to my father in law and he said “well you have so many good ones!” which was unexpected and really nice to hear.
This homework might be the hardest yet.
Monday 15 August 2011
Words are Power
What I’m finding is the power of words. I find myself feeling sad or angry, and starting to think “I am a failure. Everyone is unhappy because I suck. I should be better” and instead of just getting more and more wrapped in self hatred and depression I can stop.
Look at my thoughts, and name them.
“I am a failure”- Emotional Reasoning, I’m tired and in pain and therefore looking for reasons why I feel low.
“Everyone is unhappy because I suck.”- Personalising, everything bad in the universe is my fault because, you know, I control everything. It’s ridiculous and silly to take on the faults of the world.
“I should be better.” Living By Fixed Rules, should, must, ought….words that mean I am not good enough. It also means I’m making rules no one else is holding me to.
By naming them I can see what I’m doing and they lose power. I go from 90% sadness to 15 or 20% simply by naming and taking the power away from the thought processes.
Names are power.
Look at my thoughts, and name them.
“I am a failure”- Emotional Reasoning, I’m tired and in pain and therefore looking for reasons why I feel low.
“Everyone is unhappy because I suck.”- Personalising, everything bad in the universe is my fault because, you know, I control everything. It’s ridiculous and silly to take on the faults of the world.
“I should be better.” Living By Fixed Rules, should, must, ought….words that mean I am not good enough. It also means I’m making rules no one else is holding me to.
By naming them I can see what I’m doing and they lose power. I go from 90% sadness to 15 or 20% simply by naming and taking the power away from the thought processes.
Names are power.
Wednesday 10 August 2011
Self Esteem Wk3
I am shattered at the moment. Exhausted so badly I can clearly see that my fibromyalgia is bad at the moment when it comes to fatigue. But I will try to say what I have taken away from the third week of Self Esteem/Depression workshop.
Today I learned I have Mind/Heart lag. That means intellectually I can go “What I am feeling isn’t reality, this is (blank) and not real” but I am unable to stop the feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, despair…etc. For a long time I thought that meant I will never get better, and then the woman running the group turns to me and names it and tells me that eventually I will change how I think. Because today was about identifying thoughts for what they are to change the neural pathways from a negative to a positive or at least a neutral.
For instance I need to change the thought pattern that starts with me feeling low 2 weeks before my period and automatically thinking that it’s because I am a failure as a person to “I am feeling low because I am premenstrual”
The husband has compared it to paths on Dartmoor. Once a path is established it gets used a lot and it’s quite hard to start a new path. But once the new path is started it slowly gains more and more traffic and the old path gets overgrown from disuse.
That is what I’m trying to do with my thoughts.
Obviously this course is only going to help if I can keep doing it after this group ends. It’s a challenge but I want this, I can do it.
I hope…
Today I learned I have Mind/Heart lag. That means intellectually I can go “What I am feeling isn’t reality, this is (blank) and not real” but I am unable to stop the feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, despair…etc. For a long time I thought that meant I will never get better, and then the woman running the group turns to me and names it and tells me that eventually I will change how I think. Because today was about identifying thoughts for what they are to change the neural pathways from a negative to a positive or at least a neutral.
For instance I need to change the thought pattern that starts with me feeling low 2 weeks before my period and automatically thinking that it’s because I am a failure as a person to “I am feeling low because I am premenstrual”
The husband has compared it to paths on Dartmoor. Once a path is established it gets used a lot and it’s quite hard to start a new path. But once the new path is started it slowly gains more and more traffic and the old path gets overgrown from disuse.
That is what I’m trying to do with my thoughts.
Obviously this course is only going to help if I can keep doing it after this group ends. It’s a challenge but I want this, I can do it.
I hope…
Thursday 4 August 2011
Practice
Today I was ill, woke up feeling like death and in so my son went to the childcare rather then stay home. I maybe could have watched him in a pinch? But it would have been mostly from the bathroom and with great difficulty.
Because of this situation I spent the day telling myself what a bad mother I was. After several hours of making myself more and more miserable I paused.
I stopped, thought about how I was thinking, then got out some paper and a pen and did a thought map. I also did another exercise out of my homework and kind of examined what I was doing. It helped me a bit to put it on paper and see how I was reacting and see how it was disproportionate.
I still felt miserable but slighty less so, so practice does help.
Because of this situation I spent the day telling myself what a bad mother I was. After several hours of making myself more and more miserable I paused.
I stopped, thought about how I was thinking, then got out some paper and a pen and did a thought map. I also did another exercise out of my homework and kind of examined what I was doing. It helped me a bit to put it on paper and see how I was reacting and see how it was disproportionate.
I still felt miserable but slighty less so, so practice does help.
Self Esteem Wk2
You know what? I’m feeling too drained and raw to tell you in detail what we went over in my self esteem workshop but it was helpful. I feel supported and like the homework we have is going to make a difference.
But it is also terrifying, difficult and intimidating to change and take back control of my life. This isn’t easy, in fact the first few days after my first session last week were worse depression wise.
The point is this is a struggle, and so it’s hard to talk about.
But it is also terrifying, difficult and intimidating to change and take back control of my life. This isn’t easy, in fact the first few days after my first session last week were worse depression wise.
The point is this is a struggle, and so it’s hard to talk about.
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