Today I did my running like planned. Last week I managed 6.5 minutes of walking and 1 minute of running. This week I managed 8 minutes of walking and 2 of running. I know it doesn't seem like much but believe me for me doing ANY running is a big deal and I'm proud of my little bit of progress. What was more I did my stretching with my son and then later did some aerobic exercise with him which consistented of me making up things as we moved around to funny songs. He especially liked "ninja suprise" where we crouched up tight like we were hiding (ninja) and then leaped up stretching out our arms (suprise). It was awesome.
We only did about 2 songs so a little over two minutes but it was fun and even my 2 year old got worn out from it.
What's suprised me is I'm not having any guilt or hangups with this. I may not really feel like doing it but I'm doing it anyway, and without the "I should be able to do more! I look stupid doing this! My neighbours must think I'm an idiot!"
I think the difference is instead of looking at it as a way to get thin I'm looking at the exercise (and some changes I'm making to my diet) as part of my mental health treatment. I'm not going "I have to do this because I'm fat and ugly." I'm going "Oh! This will help raise seratonin and endorphins. I like endorphins. Ooo and it will help me sleep and if I change my diet that will make me feel better and damnit I really want carrot anyway."
Out of curiousity I went on a free website (food focus for those curious) and calculated how long it would take me to lose the weight. The best estimate which assumed I lost on average 2lbs a week was a year and a half. The most conservative estimate was 3 years. Now that's a long time, but it didn't stun me. It did make me think though. I thought; "Am I perpared to go 3 years hungry a lot and tired and achy from exercise?" and my answer was "Yes. Because frankly the 10 minutes of exercise I did today? Made me feel damn ass good.
Tomorrow isn't a running day but I think I'm going to come up with an exercise routine I can do with Charlie because that was fun as anything for BOTH of us. How often can you do exercises that involve spinning in circles and laughing as well as things like touching your toes. I'm planning on going for a walk as well but we'll see how that goes.
Am I doing a big kick where I really expect to track my food everyday and get down to my ideal size in that 3 year period? No not really. It would be nice but I'm not expecting it and I don't really think it's going happen. However, I would like to be able to run for 20 minutes at a time and I do like figuring out exercises to do with my son.
It will also help my fibromyalgia, as hard as it is for me to get moving because I hurt once I do it helps me, keeps me from getting stiffer and stops the pain from getting worse.
More than anything else though? I like being happy, and exercising makes me happy. As odd as that sounds...
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Monday, 2 January 2012
Aim Low to Reach High
This seems apt at the moment because many people are, of course, setting goals and making plans.
My motto at the moment is "Aim Low to Reach High" it sounds counter intuitive but bear with me.
You see part of my CBT was learning about S.M.A.R.T. goals (you can read about them here)which I found very helpful. But I still struggled sometimes with making my goals. Then when I was making a goal about starting a crochet project I knew I can knock out something like 30 rows in a couple of hours, but when I went to make my goal I stopped. Instead of writing that I'd do 30 or 20 or even 10 rows, I said I'd do 5. I picked a time I'd work on it and when I sat down to do it I did more like 50 rows. I not only felt the satisfaction of attaining my goal but the even better satisfaction of over achieving.
That felt great, and during the rest of the week I did even more crochet and actually achieved more other things. What I think happened is by making my goal easy to achieve it took the pressure off, then when I got to the doing it the goal felt easy to do.
I've kept to that and made small goals and consistently over reached them. Yes I knew I'd over reach it but more often then not I'd over reach past what I thought I could actually do. I think by aiming below what I think I'm capable of I give myself confidence, that then means I don't tell myself what I can't but instead say what I can.
For instance, this year I want to start a running program. It's usually 9 weeks. Well I won't be doing it in 9 weeks, not with my fibromyalgia. In fact I think it's going to take me a month per step -9 steps, 9 months. However I'm giving myself 2 months for each step.
So what I'm saying is that I've decided to set myself up for success instead of failure.
I think I prefer it.
My motto at the moment is "Aim Low to Reach High" it sounds counter intuitive but bear with me.
You see part of my CBT was learning about S.M.A.R.T. goals (you can read about them here)which I found very helpful. But I still struggled sometimes with making my goals. Then when I was making a goal about starting a crochet project I knew I can knock out something like 30 rows in a couple of hours, but when I went to make my goal I stopped. Instead of writing that I'd do 30 or 20 or even 10 rows, I said I'd do 5. I picked a time I'd work on it and when I sat down to do it I did more like 50 rows. I not only felt the satisfaction of attaining my goal but the even better satisfaction of over achieving.
That felt great, and during the rest of the week I did even more crochet and actually achieved more other things. What I think happened is by making my goal easy to achieve it took the pressure off, then when I got to the doing it the goal felt easy to do.
I've kept to that and made small goals and consistently over reached them. Yes I knew I'd over reach it but more often then not I'd over reach past what I thought I could actually do. I think by aiming below what I think I'm capable of I give myself confidence, that then means I don't tell myself what I can't but instead say what I can.
For instance, this year I want to start a running program. It's usually 9 weeks. Well I won't be doing it in 9 weeks, not with my fibromyalgia. In fact I think it's going to take me a month per step -9 steps, 9 months. However I'm giving myself 2 months for each step.
So what I'm saying is that I've decided to set myself up for success instead of failure.
I think I prefer it.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Separating the Physical from Mental
This last week my fibromyalgia has been flaring very badly. I've been in an extreme amount of pain and exhausted, regularly having to nap and even then by 8 o'clock I am flagging badly and I'm having to take my painkillers a lot more frequently than I'd like.*
It's sucked, no question. No one likes to be in pain or feeling run down. It has been especially annoying this week because I didn't do anything to cause it. Often when I have flare it's caused by me over doing it, this time I didn't. In fact I was very careful about pacing and at no point over reached myself, and yet here I am popping pills and cursing slightly every time I move.
Unfortunately there isn't much I do about it either. I've stretched, took hot baths and showers, used microwave hot pads, and even meditation but nothing is really helping and there isn't anything the doctor can suggest to improve it. My only choice is to keep up what I'm doing, keep moving as much as I can and wait for it pass.
However, ever cloud has a silver lining even in this cloud of pain. For once I am in pain without being depressed. My mood has been very positive this week and I've got a lot done despite my pain. I finished crocheting a blanket, started a book and got almost all the Christmas cards finished and posted. I've not attacked myself over the fact I was struggling physically and accepted that I just have to take painkillers and keep going as best I can. I've even accepted that I need help and have not been ashamed to ask and receive the help I needed.
This has helped me with an old issue. I've often worried that my pain is just in my head, that it's a symptom of my depression. This has proved to me (my doctors already knew) that my pain is a physical illness, not a symptom of my mental illness. To have that distinction proved to my satisfaction is very reassuring.
Especially as recently I was chatting to a woman who asked about the fact I walk with a stick. I replied I had a chronic pain condition and explained (briefly) about fibromyalgia saying that my nerves thought they were in pain even when nothing was causing that pain. She said "Oh so it's a mental illess? It's just all in your head?" I replied that no it was a neurological illness. My nerves don't work right, not "I'm imagining" my pain. Even though the woman meant well and was actually a very nice woman that did rankle me more than I cared to admit.
Sometimes it's difficult to separate my physical illness from my mental but it's important to remember that while they can effect each other they are separate illnesses in their own right.
*For context the optimal amount of painkillers I would take in a day is none. I've been taking more like 3 or 4 a day for the last week.
It's sucked, no question. No one likes to be in pain or feeling run down. It has been especially annoying this week because I didn't do anything to cause it. Often when I have flare it's caused by me over doing it, this time I didn't. In fact I was very careful about pacing and at no point over reached myself, and yet here I am popping pills and cursing slightly every time I move.
Unfortunately there isn't much I do about it either. I've stretched, took hot baths and showers, used microwave hot pads, and even meditation but nothing is really helping and there isn't anything the doctor can suggest to improve it. My only choice is to keep up what I'm doing, keep moving as much as I can and wait for it pass.
However, ever cloud has a silver lining even in this cloud of pain. For once I am in pain without being depressed. My mood has been very positive this week and I've got a lot done despite my pain. I finished crocheting a blanket, started a book and got almost all the Christmas cards finished and posted. I've not attacked myself over the fact I was struggling physically and accepted that I just have to take painkillers and keep going as best I can. I've even accepted that I need help and have not been ashamed to ask and receive the help I needed.
This has helped me with an old issue. I've often worried that my pain is just in my head, that it's a symptom of my depression. This has proved to me (my doctors already knew) that my pain is a physical illness, not a symptom of my mental illness. To have that distinction proved to my satisfaction is very reassuring.
Especially as recently I was chatting to a woman who asked about the fact I walk with a stick. I replied I had a chronic pain condition and explained (briefly) about fibromyalgia saying that my nerves thought they were in pain even when nothing was causing that pain. She said "Oh so it's a mental illess? It's just all in your head?" I replied that no it was a neurological illness. My nerves don't work right, not "I'm imagining" my pain. Even though the woman meant well and was actually a very nice woman that did rankle me more than I cared to admit.
Sometimes it's difficult to separate my physical illness from my mental but it's important to remember that while they can effect each other they are separate illnesses in their own right.
*For context the optimal amount of painkillers I would take in a day is none. I've been taking more like 3 or 4 a day for the last week.
Monday, 28 November 2011
Ups and Downs
I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
"Mommy Can't"
It's a struggle when my son wants to dance or to play running games with me to say no. Especially when I really should.
Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.
But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.
It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".
But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.
If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.
Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.
But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.
It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".
But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.
If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.
Monday, 17 October 2011
Pain and Depression
I'm doing so much better with my depression compared to where I was a year ago though I'm still struggling to an extent with both depression and anxiety. I mean making a hair appointment over the phone is still a big accomplishment for me, and probably always will be.
The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.
Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.
I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.
But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.
I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.
The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.
Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.
I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.
But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.
I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Beginning
Hi.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)