Hi.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
