Light at the end of the tunnel

Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.

I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.

I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.

She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.

Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.

That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.

The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.

So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.

Light

A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.

It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun

I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.

That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.

I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.

Unique

Unique is a word with thorns
that you stab into your skin.
Becoming a warning bramble
to keep others from coming in.

You revel in your bramble skin
and take pride as it pricks and tears.
Knowing you can keep everyone out
and pretend you have no cares.

Unique is a word we call ourselves,
or enjoy when given the name,
that we use as an excuse to run away
or maybe shift the blame.

It’s okay to be different
and stand out from the crowd.
Marching to a new drumbeat
and singing loud and proud.

It’s when difference is a shield
instead of a banner flying.
We should use it to show off,
not to aid our hiding.

So rejoice in our uniqueness
but invite the rest around.
‘Cause when we’re flying high
they keep us tethered to the ground.

We need to keep the balance
between the earth and sky
and it can be “we together”
instead of relying on “I”.

Wondering if I'm bi-polar

Bi-polar disorder (or Manic Depression) runs in my family and my mom for a long time has suggested that I might have it. This is something I've furiously denied and in fact gotten quite angry about. I was sure I wasn't manic because I didn't do the very specific things my family members did while manic.

I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.

At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.

That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.

I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.

When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.

I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.

If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.

I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.

"Mommy Can't"

It's a struggle when my son wants to dance or to play running games with me to say no. Especially when I really should.

Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.

But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.

It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".

But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.

If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.

Pain and Depression

I'm doing so much better with my depression compared to where I was a year ago though I'm still struggling to an extent with both depression and anxiety. I mean making a hair appointment over the phone is still a big accomplishment for me, and probably always will be.

The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.

Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.

I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.

But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.

I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.

Last Week

Yesterday was the last official day of my group therapy. I’m sad I’m not going next week as I had really come to look forward to meeting up with everyone.

We’ve exchanged contact info though and are planning to meet up in three weeks time. One of group has dubbed us Mad Club which I just love! I want a badge that says that now! Possibly tee-shirts as well, yeah definitely need tee-shirts.

This last meeting was mostly about avoiding a relapse and giving us lots of advice for how to avoid it but also new ways of thinking about if we do have a relapse. I gave a fairly impassioned speech about how I think I can make a difference to my life now because I have accepted that this is a life long struggle.

I can stay on top of it most of the time (hopefully) now with these tools but it’s going to have to be constant vigilance, and similarly I may never be able to come off my medication as that might be an essential part of my ongoing treatment.

We gave lots of suggestions for how to notice early warning signs and how to battle them. One of the most brilliant suggested by one of the other members is to get a small notebook and fill it with things like “Go make a cup of tea”, “Go for a walk” “Take a bath” and that is your emergency help book.

Something I think is a really really brilliant idea.

Next week I have an appointment about therapy at the CFS clinic for my fibromyalgia which is good because I am really struggling with my pain at the moment and my pain and depression go very hand and hand for me.

That’s part of why winter is so hard for me, the cold makes my pain a lot lot worse and my mood drops as I struggle in pain. I’m glad I have the appointment next week.

At the moment I have a sense of humour about it all and I really want to keep that.

Absence makes the heart grow

I’ve been away from Tumblr for awhile for 4 reasons.

1. I broke my foot which threw me off schedule.

2. I’ve been cutting down one of my mental health meds and it took me awhile to get used to the lower dose.

3. I’ve been creating!

4. I’ve been happy.


I’ve been doing a lot better the last couple of weeks. Keeping up with the CBT therapy has been difficult but rewarding, when I forget to do it I do notice a difference so it’s something I’m going to have to maintain. But it has helped so much.

The worry I have is that we’re coming into winter. Winter is always the hardest time for me and it’s the time I’m most likely to have a relapse. I’m hoping I’ll keep getting some kind of professional support through this winter because I need to get through a winter without a relapse. I feel that if I can get through one winter I’ll be able to get through all winters…but it’s still a fear in my head.

Things are a lot better now though, a lot LOT better. This gives me hope which is so important.

Oh, and I have pink hair now :)