Bi-polar disorder (or Manic Depression) runs in my family and my mom for a long time has suggested that I might have it. This is something I've furiously denied and in fact gotten quite angry about. I was sure I wasn't manic because I didn't do the very specific things my family members did while manic.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
No comments:
Post a Comment