Today was the first of ten weeks of a Self Esteem and Depression workshop.
I will start off by saying a part of this group is confidentiality; as such I will mention no names or any personal stories my fellow course mates might relate. This blog will only be about the course material and my personal feelings/reactions.
It was a bit awkward starting this week as we were all new to this and nervous and so on. The information was interesting though. The general guide to the course was the following:
How Low Self-Esteem Develops
Early Experience: events, relationships, living conditions which have implications for ideas about the self eg- Abuse; Neglect; Bullying; Rejection; being the ‘odd one out’.
Leading to…
The Bottom Line: Assessment of worth/value as a person. Conclusion about the self, based on experience eg- I am bad, I am worthless, I am stupid, I am not good enough.
Leading to…
Rules For Living: Guidelines, policies or strategies for getting by, given the truth of the Bottom Line Standards against which self worth can be measured eg- I must always put others first; if I say what I think I will be rejected; unless I do everything to the highest possible standard I will achieve nothing.
Leading to What Keeps Self-Esteem Going
Trigger Situations: Situations in which rules of living are, or may be, broken eg-being rejected; the prospect of failure; the possibility of being out of control.
This leads to the circle of Activation of the Bottom Line—>Negative Predictions/Anxiety—>Unhelpful Behaviour—>Confirmation of the Bottom Line—->Self-critical thoughts—>Depression which leads to Activation of the Bottom Line….
When I looked at this my first thought was “Okay…that’s my life…” well not really abuse and neglect but I did get a lot of bullying and situations that effected me as a kid. I part because I’m naturally sensitive, and I definitely felt like the odd on out. Everything else that follows….yeah….
We were then given a a chance to look at the five aspects map which relates to specific situations (we did getting ready to come to the workshop as an example) the map is below:
Situation
example: going to the workshop meeting
Thoughts & Images
Example: I should be able to cope, I’m going to make a fool of myself
Physical Sensations.
Shaky, nauseous, tight chest.
Moods/Emotions
Anxious, fear, panic,
Behaviours/What I did or didn’t do
sought reassurance, closed escape routes
This shows how these things feed into each other and it just cycles on an on and gets worse. But it can also cycle positively as well! Which is an important thing to remember.
It was a lot of information to take in, and in a lot of ways left me more anxious but it should be helpful in the long run. My homework from this was an activity diary where I have to record activity, mood, enjoyment and achievement.
I’m feeling bit overwhelmed by it all but at least one thing was cleared up for me. Before when I’ve gotten a bit better from my depression my wonderful supportive husband turns into a bit of a dick. Apparently that’s normal because when one person is going through voluntary change it puts their partner through change as well which is kinda forced on them. That causes them to push back subconsciously. A bit of a relief for the husband and me to know that it’s normal.
All in all…good first meeting but mildly terrifying.
Wednesday 27 July 2011
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Sleep Deprivation
Tomorrow is the the first day of my self-esteem and depression workshop, I find out what is happening in regards to being made redudent on Thursday, I am three days late for my period, and my fibromyalgia is flaring very badly.
On top of this list of frustrations and anxiety I have not had a decent nights sleep in a week. I am running at exhaustion levels. This is important because I’ve had to ask for help this morning and tomorrow morning because I am beyond able to cope. I was feeling guilty and thinking what a bad Mom, Wife, Daughter-in-law and Friend I was when I realised I was doing what I always do: beat myself up for things I can’t help.
I need help this week because I am shattered, sleep deprivation is a decent reason to ask for help.
I have an interesting couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll definitely report on the workshop, but I must remember that needing help because I’m ill is not something I should be ashamed of or apologise for.
Of course knowing doesn’t always help….
On top of this list of frustrations and anxiety I have not had a decent nights sleep in a week. I am running at exhaustion levels. This is important because I’ve had to ask for help this morning and tomorrow morning because I am beyond able to cope. I was feeling guilty and thinking what a bad Mom, Wife, Daughter-in-law and Friend I was when I realised I was doing what I always do: beat myself up for things I can’t help.
I need help this week because I am shattered, sleep deprivation is a decent reason to ask for help.
I have an interesting couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll definitely report on the workshop, but I must remember that needing help because I’m ill is not something I should be ashamed of or apologise for.
Of course knowing doesn’t always help….
Friday 22 July 2011
Holy Crap!
You know how I said on Monday I was told I would be referred to a Self Esteem workshop in order to get me started on some sort of treatment of any kind?
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Level 3 Assessment
The building where I go for my mental health treatments seem designed to trigger a panic attack. It’s in the old hospital, a rambling Victorian derelict that is mostly boarded up with condemned signs warning about asbestos. It looks like the setting from a horror film so I’m already nervous before I get to the tiny section still in use.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
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