Today I did my running like planned. Last week I managed 6.5 minutes of walking and 1 minute of running. This week I managed 8 minutes of walking and 2 of running. I know it doesn't seem like much but believe me for me doing ANY running is a big deal and I'm proud of my little bit of progress. What was more I did my stretching with my son and then later did some aerobic exercise with him which consistented of me making up things as we moved around to funny songs. He especially liked "ninja suprise" where we crouched up tight like we were hiding (ninja) and then leaped up stretching out our arms (suprise). It was awesome.
We only did about 2 songs so a little over two minutes but it was fun and even my 2 year old got worn out from it.
What's suprised me is I'm not having any guilt or hangups with this. I may not really feel like doing it but I'm doing it anyway, and without the "I should be able to do more! I look stupid doing this! My neighbours must think I'm an idiot!"
I think the difference is instead of looking at it as a way to get thin I'm looking at the exercise (and some changes I'm making to my diet) as part of my mental health treatment. I'm not going "I have to do this because I'm fat and ugly." I'm going "Oh! This will help raise seratonin and endorphins. I like endorphins. Ooo and it will help me sleep and if I change my diet that will make me feel better and damnit I really want carrot anyway."
Out of curiousity I went on a free website (food focus for those curious) and calculated how long it would take me to lose the weight. The best estimate which assumed I lost on average 2lbs a week was a year and a half. The most conservative estimate was 3 years. Now that's a long time, but it didn't stun me. It did make me think though. I thought; "Am I perpared to go 3 years hungry a lot and tired and achy from exercise?" and my answer was "Yes. Because frankly the 10 minutes of exercise I did today? Made me feel damn ass good.
Tomorrow isn't a running day but I think I'm going to come up with an exercise routine I can do with Charlie because that was fun as anything for BOTH of us. How often can you do exercises that involve spinning in circles and laughing as well as things like touching your toes. I'm planning on going for a walk as well but we'll see how that goes.
Am I doing a big kick where I really expect to track my food everyday and get down to my ideal size in that 3 year period? No not really. It would be nice but I'm not expecting it and I don't really think it's going happen. However, I would like to be able to run for 20 minutes at a time and I do like figuring out exercises to do with my son.
It will also help my fibromyalgia, as hard as it is for me to get moving because I hurt once I do it helps me, keeps me from getting stiffer and stops the pain from getting worse.
More than anything else though? I like being happy, and exercising makes me happy. As odd as that sounds...
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Monday, 28 November 2011
Ups and Downs
I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Light at the end of the tunnel
Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.
I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.
She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.
Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.
That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.
The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.
So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.
Light
A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.
It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun
I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.
That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.
I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.
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