Separating the Physical from Mental

This last week my fibromyalgia has been flaring very badly. I've been in an extreme amount of pain and exhausted, regularly having to nap and even then by 8 o'clock I am flagging badly and I'm having to take my painkillers a lot more frequently than I'd like.*

It's sucked, no question. No one likes to be in pain or feeling run down. It has been especially annoying this week because I didn't do anything to cause it. Often when I have flare it's caused by me over doing it, this time I didn't. In fact I was very careful about pacing and at no point over reached myself, and yet here I am popping pills and cursing slightly every time I move.

Unfortunately there isn't much I do about it either. I've stretched, took hot baths and showers, used microwave hot pads, and even meditation but nothing is really helping and there isn't anything the doctor can suggest to improve it. My only choice is to keep up what I'm doing, keep moving as much as I can and wait for it pass.

However, ever cloud has a silver lining even in this cloud of pain. For once I am in pain without being depressed. My mood has been very positive this week and I've got a lot done despite my pain. I finished crocheting a blanket, started a book and got almost all the Christmas cards finished and posted. I've not attacked myself over the fact I was struggling physically and accepted that I just have to take painkillers and keep going as best I can. I've even accepted that I need help and have not been ashamed to ask and receive the help I needed.

This has helped me with an old issue. I've often worried that my pain is just in my head, that it's a symptom of my depression. This has proved to me (my doctors already knew) that my pain is a physical illness, not a symptom of my mental illness. To have that distinction proved to my satisfaction is very reassuring.

Especially as recently I was chatting to a woman who asked about the fact I walk with a stick. I replied I had a chronic pain condition and explained (briefly) about fibromyalgia saying that my nerves thought they were in pain even when nothing was causing that pain. She said "Oh so it's a mental illess? It's just all in your head?" I replied that no it was a neurological illness. My nerves don't work right, not "I'm imagining" my pain. Even though the woman meant well and was actually a very nice woman that did rankle me more than I cared to admit.

Sometimes it's difficult to separate my physical illness from my mental but it's important to remember that while they can effect each other they are separate illnesses in their own right.



*For context the optimal amount of painkillers I would take in a day is none. I've been taking more like 3 or 4 a day for the last week.

Ups and Downs

I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.

Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."

I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.

I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.

So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.

But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.

It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.

In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.

Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.

So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.

Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.



*we were celebrating Thanksgiving

"Mommy Can't"

It's a struggle when my son wants to dance or to play running games with me to say no. Especially when I really should.

Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.

But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.

It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".

But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.

If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.

Pain and Depression

I'm doing so much better with my depression compared to where I was a year ago though I'm still struggling to an extent with both depression and anxiety. I mean making a hair appointment over the phone is still a big accomplishment for me, and probably always will be.

The real struggle is my pain. The weather has changed and is colder and damper and I am hurting so much. Also I'm suddenly have migraines again and a lot more often and basically? I'm feeling like shit right now physically.

Because of that I'm struggling with keeping my mood positive and keep perspective. I guess it's because my pain and everything keeps me from doing things I want to so much my mood immediately dips. Also I feel like shit and that's not going to help my mood either.

I'm trying though, mostly by focusing on what I can do rather then what I can't. Like I can't do washing up but I can write this blog post...which might help others and is at least proof I'm using my brain.

But today I physically couldn't get out of my pajamas, and every time I move I want to cry and I can't take any painkillers because I've reached my limit...and it's times like this I really struggle to be positive.

I'm using my tools and trying, but it's hard. Really hard. I see someone next week about my fibromyalgia (it's the Chronic Fatigue Clinic but that's the only service available and it's applicable), I'm hoping it's going to help but I don't know.