This last week my fibromyalgia has been flaring very badly. I've been in an extreme amount of pain and exhausted, regularly having to nap and even then by 8 o'clock I am flagging badly and I'm having to take my painkillers a lot more frequently than I'd like.*
It's sucked, no question. No one likes to be in pain or feeling run down. It has been especially annoying this week because I didn't do anything to cause it. Often when I have flare it's caused by me over doing it, this time I didn't. In fact I was very careful about pacing and at no point over reached myself, and yet here I am popping pills and cursing slightly every time I move.
Unfortunately there isn't much I do about it either. I've stretched, took hot baths and showers, used microwave hot pads, and even meditation but nothing is really helping and there isn't anything the doctor can suggest to improve it. My only choice is to keep up what I'm doing, keep moving as much as I can and wait for it pass.
However, ever cloud has a silver lining even in this cloud of pain. For once I am in pain without being depressed. My mood has been very positive this week and I've got a lot done despite my pain. I finished crocheting a blanket, started a book and got almost all the Christmas cards finished and posted. I've not attacked myself over the fact I was struggling physically and accepted that I just have to take painkillers and keep going as best I can. I've even accepted that I need help and have not been ashamed to ask and receive the help I needed.
This has helped me with an old issue. I've often worried that my pain is just in my head, that it's a symptom of my depression. This has proved to me (my doctors already knew) that my pain is a physical illness, not a symptom of my mental illness. To have that distinction proved to my satisfaction is very reassuring.
Especially as recently I was chatting to a woman who asked about the fact I walk with a stick. I replied I had a chronic pain condition and explained (briefly) about fibromyalgia saying that my nerves thought they were in pain even when nothing was causing that pain. She said "Oh so it's a mental illess? It's just all in your head?" I replied that no it was a neurological illness. My nerves don't work right, not "I'm imagining" my pain. Even though the woman meant well and was actually a very nice woman that did rankle me more than I cared to admit.
Sometimes it's difficult to separate my physical illness from my mental but it's important to remember that while they can effect each other they are separate illnesses in their own right.
*For context the optimal amount of painkillers I would take in a day is none. I've been taking more like 3 or 4 a day for the last week.
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Monday, 28 November 2011
Ups and Downs
I haven't been blogging as much recently. That's been because I've been struggling to maintain the progress I've made mentally and because I've been in a huge amount of physical pain off and on.
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Despite my love of autumn and Christmas the colder weather is not my friend and I find myself struggling with badly with my chronic pain. In general I associate autumn and winter with the phrase "Holy crap! What it this bad last year?" to which the reply is always "Yes."
I forget in the spring and summer how much my pain is affected by the weather. Sure I'm in pain in the warm weather but it's not as crippling bad as it is in the cold months. That pain combined with the shock of it makes it very hard to deal with. I'm better at dealing with it this year. I sort of remembered that it was bad and emotionally was better able to deal with it. I've also been a lot more careful in pacing and balance.
I'm not trying to be supermom or superwife or anything like that, I'm acknowledging when I need help and asking for it. This last Thursday, for instance, I was cooking a roast chicken and was supposed to do mash with it*, I realized I was starting to struggle so I asked my in-laws to pick me up some pre made mash. I had already anticipated I was going to need some help so they were already planning on taking my son out for a couple of hours. Essentially I did everything I was supposed to in order to prevent a flare up.
So imagine how pissed off I was on Thursday night/Friday Morning to realize I was really bad pain...basically in a very bad flare.
But at least I wasn't angry with myself. I was angry with my body for betraying me but not with myself for being "stupid" something I usually beat myself up about.
It's been hard to remain positive, the bad days have sucked when I've had a panic attack or using should statements or when it's really bad emotional reasoning. The emotional reasoning for me seems to be along the lines of "I'm in pain, that must be because I'm a terrible human being." which of course is nonsense.
In some ways the hardest hit was acknowledging my habit of occasionally becoming fervently "spiritual" or religious and seeing meaning in everything is probably a symptom of mental illness. Part of "Mania" can be delusions. It's hard to swallow, but it makes sense why when I'm depressed or stable I tend towards atheism.
Taking that in mind I've embraced my atheism, but it's hard admit you were delusional. Mildly, but yes I was delusional.
So yes, I've been up and I've been down. That's not new, I've been up and down most of my life. The difference is that when I'm up now I feel really good and when I'm down I still have hope. I still maintain faith in myself, which is so far from where I was in January of this year.
Right now, my ups out weight the downs. Even through the pain.
*we were celebrating Thanksgiving
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Medication
Awhile ago I was talking to a friend about depression. She mentioned she didn't want to be taking her pills as she didn't think she should have to rely on them. I understood that feeling because I have felt like that. But (as I told her) now I have a different view.
I view my anti-depressants the same way a person with...oh well lets say Type 1 diabetes views their insulin. I have an illness, my brain isn't producing certain chemicals correctly, I need medication to be well. The group counselling worked very well for me, but I still need medication and even then it's not plain sailing.
The last couple of weeks I've been up and down, most of the time I've been upbeat and happy but the bad days have happened and been very bad indeed. Not as bad as they were a year ago but bad enough to be worse than "normal" bad days. But I have more tools now and I have faith in myself that I can get past this. I know that depression lies to me now and even when it's convincing I don't trust it. I know that there is an end to it. But I still need my medication.
Medication isn't a weakness, it's a tool and (at least for me)a necessity.
I view my anti-depressants the same way a person with...oh well lets say Type 1 diabetes views their insulin. I have an illness, my brain isn't producing certain chemicals correctly, I need medication to be well. The group counselling worked very well for me, but I still need medication and even then it's not plain sailing.
The last couple of weeks I've been up and down, most of the time I've been upbeat and happy but the bad days have happened and been very bad indeed. Not as bad as they were a year ago but bad enough to be worse than "normal" bad days. But I have more tools now and I have faith in myself that I can get past this. I know that depression lies to me now and even when it's convincing I don't trust it. I know that there is an end to it. But I still need my medication.
Medication isn't a weakness, it's a tool and (at least for me)a necessity.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Unique
Unique is a word with thorns
that you stab into your skin.
Becoming a warning bramble
to keep others from coming in.
You revel in your bramble skin
and take pride as it pricks and tears.
Knowing you can keep everyone out
and pretend you have no cares.
Unique is a word we call ourselves,
or enjoy when given the name,
that we use as an excuse to run away
or maybe shift the blame.
It’s okay to be different
and stand out from the crowd.
Marching to a new drumbeat
and singing loud and proud.
It’s when difference is a shield
instead of a banner flying.
We should use it to show off,
not to aid our hiding.
So rejoice in our uniqueness
but invite the rest around.
‘Cause when we’re flying high
they keep us tethered to the ground.
We need to keep the balance
between the earth and sky
and it can be “we together”
instead of relying on “I”.
that you stab into your skin.
Becoming a warning bramble
to keep others from coming in.
You revel in your bramble skin
and take pride as it pricks and tears.
Knowing you can keep everyone out
and pretend you have no cares.
Unique is a word we call ourselves,
or enjoy when given the name,
that we use as an excuse to run away
or maybe shift the blame.
It’s okay to be different
and stand out from the crowd.
Marching to a new drumbeat
and singing loud and proud.
It’s when difference is a shield
instead of a banner flying.
We should use it to show off,
not to aid our hiding.
So rejoice in our uniqueness
but invite the rest around.
‘Cause when we’re flying high
they keep us tethered to the ground.
We need to keep the balance
between the earth and sky
and it can be “we together”
instead of relying on “I”.
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Wondering if I'm bi-polar
Bi-polar disorder (or Manic Depression) runs in my family and my mom for a long time has suggested that I might have it. This is something I've furiously denied and in fact gotten quite angry about. I was sure I wasn't manic because I didn't do the very specific things my family members did while manic.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
I've only ever gone to my doctor while I was low and when I was happy and doing way too much for my own good I didn't "need" to go to the doctor.
At the beginning of this year a psychiatrist put me on a medication that is used in cases of Major Depression when a regular anti-depressant wasn't enough on it's own. It's also used in cases of Bi-polar disorder and I remember at the time I suspected he prescribed it in part because he thought I might be bi-polar.
That must have been kicking around the back of my mind because when I was thinking back over my behavior for the last month and a half I began to question it. Sure I wasn't doing anything really destructive (this time) but I was doing things to the point of obsession and I was being very impulsive. I was crocheting like mad and almost non stop, and then I moved on to tweeting and well blogging excessively.
I got my ears pierced on an impulse and have resisted spending a ton of money mostly because I've been leaving my wallet far away. However I don't trust myself to NOT spend money I don't have and have had to ask my husband to take away my cards and limit my access to funds, because I can't be trusted.
When I look back on my teen years I remember re arranging my room at 3am, smoking, writing obsessively in one of any number of notebooks which I collect far too much of. I also spent money a bit recklessly and yes, was implusive. Maybe not to the same extent as others I've known with the disorder but enough that in hindsight it gives me pause.
I also am sort of aware of that I get really excited about things, like over the top excited and in a couple of weeks or a month or two it fades away as I get distracted by something else. My husband knows me enough to ride these waves of excitement out. Sure sometimes I leave something I'm excited about to the side for good reasons, like I really want to do the couch potato to 5k program that my sister did and I wanted to start it in January but a bad pain flare has proved to me that I'm not ready yet. It's not that I'm not going to do it, but I won't do it as quickly as I wanted to. Other times it's just...I get distracted. I don't know.
If asked I still would probably say I'm not bi-polar but I'm starting to realize I don't have a very good perspective on this. Certainly I've felt a burst of creativity and energy that seems to be waning now. I really don't know.
I spoke about this with my doctor and will be mentioning with the mental health professionals next week. Does it change anything if I am bi-polar? Well yes treatment wise but other than that no...except maybe I'll have a bit more perspective.
Friday, 22 July 2011
Holy Crap!
You know how I said on Monday I was told I would be referred to a Self Esteem workshop in order to get me started on some sort of treatment of any kind?
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
I got a letter today saying it would start on Weds the 27th….I was expecting at least another month…I’m kinda going O_O.
I means yay! But also really? That’s fast!
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Level 3 Assessment
The building where I go for my mental health treatments seem designed to trigger a panic attack. It’s in the old hospital, a rambling Victorian derelict that is mostly boarded up with condemned signs warning about asbestos. It looks like the setting from a horror film so I’m already nervous before I get to the tiny section still in use.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
It was not helped that when I arrived on Monday for my level three assessment there was no receptionist and I was instructed (via signs) that I was to let myself into the waiting room. As the minutes ticked by I started to worry I was in the wrong place, luckily this time the psychologist was only five minutes late and so arrived before I could work myself into a froth.
The appointment went fairly well, we established quickly that I was caught in a terrible cycle. Essentially, I’m depressed which makes it hard to do things which I then take as proof of my failure which makes me insecure which then causes anxiety so I avoid doing things which means I’m lonely and isolated which makes me depressed…
We also established that part of my problem is my self esteem is in the freaking toilet. Therefore the plan of action is to sign me up for a CBT self esteem group workshop. This would run about 6 to 10 weeks, afterwards we’d have a review and if it was deemed I still needed one to one I’d go back on the waiting list for that. However I wouldn’t be at the bottom of the list again, I’d be in the same place on the waiting list that I would have been without the workshop. Basically this is a plan to get me into some sort if treatment before the year is out.
This is good because I feel like I am two steps from a nervous breakdown. Since my last post I learned that I’m probably going to be made redundant, broke my toe, and crashed after trying to be super mom. Things aren’t good right now. Don’t get me wrong there are pluses, I am looking forward to being a stay at home mom but things are still hard.
One thing I said to the psychologist is I know what I am trying to get back to. You see for years when asked to describe myself I would have said “introvert, likes routine, afraid of change, boring, anxious and cynical” recently I realised…that is not me at all. All I am describing is the cage I built for myself. In reality I am a creative, spontaneous, sensitive, social, optimistic person. I just crush that in myself because…I don’t know why. I know I am sick of it though.
Part of it is probably because I am very sensitive to my environment. I tend to internalize other peoples negative emotions. If someone is angry I blame myself, if someone is sad I have to make them happy or I get sad. I can’t read drama books or watch serious television, not even the news, without it effecting me. Heck even in comedy I cannot watch someone bring humiliated. A trait I share with my father. My mood is far too dependent on my environment.
I suppose the phrase I’m slowly groping towards is empathy (I was avoiding it because it sounds hippy dippy). Maybe empathy simply means remembering, I remember with perfect clarity how it felt to be embarrassed, hurt, insulted, betrayed and so on in my past. I can (and have) forgive the person, understand the circumstances, see the bigger picture, and feel no animosity now but remember vividly how I felt at the time.
I don’t know if other people remember those things so clearly but I know it’s a key factor in why other peoples emotions effect me so much. I subconsciously view the pain or sadness of others and feel a stab of my memories of feeling that way myself. Which is possibly why I have built up safety behaviours that keep me at arms length from people, to avoid over empathising with people.
I still believe CBT can and will help me. I am getting better all the time but this is a slow process. Changing my thought processes is not going to happen over night but self awareness is a key. I think I’m a bit closer to that now.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Beginning
Hi.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
My name is Beth, and this is going to be my story if I can ever be brave enough to go through with it.
For at least 14 years now I’ve had two chronic illnesses. Invisible chronic illnesses of Fibromyalgia and Depression. Fibromyalgia for those not in the know is a classed more strictly as a “syndrome” rather then an illness and is defined by all over joint and muscle pain combined with severe fatigue. It comes under the umbrella definition of “Chronic Fatigue” illnesses according to the local NHS services for this illness. A brief list of my symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle/Joint Pain
IBS
Light/Touch/Temperature/ Sensitivity
Chemical Sensitivity
Sleep Disruption
Headaches
Brain Fog (Memory Problems, Concentration Issues)
Sensitivity to Light
Painful Periods
And I know there are more but I’m having a bit of a brain fog day but that gives you an idea of what Fibromyalgia is.
I also have chronic Depression/Anxiety. This comes and goes to a certain extent but has been a pretty near constant issue in my life for the last 14 years.This has meant frequent panic attacks, pulling out of social events because of depression, struggles to get out of bed in the morning and quite recently some time off work.
The combination of Fibro and Depression has led to me going from working 30 hours a week to 17 hours a week.
Just over 2 and a half years ago I handled my illnesses by not handling them. I hardly ever went out and when I did I hardly spoke to anyone. I stayed up half the night and then crashed hard the next day. I managed to go to work and come home but didn’t manage anything else in my day to day life. Then I got pregnant, I had to take care of myself a bit better during my pregnancy to make sure I didn’t negatively effect my son. After my son was born my boom and bust method of (not) dealing with my illnesses soon weren’t working. I was forced to be more social, a fact I am very glad for as I made some good friends that way, and forced out of my shell more and more.
Eventually depression and anxiety wise it all became too much and, quite recently, I hit rock bottom. My life was a shambles and I was completely out of control of my life. My fibro and depression controlled me and I was suddenly sick of it. I was ready to get my life back under my control.
But I realized I couldn’t do it by myself. I had tried in the past and my method of going “Oh I’m doing better I must be well tra la la!” and over reaching what I could manage and end up hardly able to get out of bed for 3 months afterwards wasn’t the best.
So I went to my doctor, got on medication for my depression and on waiting lists for the CFS clinic and for CBT theraphy.
At this point, several months down the line I’ve been seen by psychologists, and psychiatrists, GPs and been to a CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) seminar, and been put on a further waiting list for “Intensive CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)”. At this point in time I have an appointment for a “Level 3 Assessment” for the “Intensive CBT” and have a package of paperwork from the CFS seminar for tips on how Self Management and meditation can help my Fibro. In about 6 months to a year I’ll have a one on one meeting with one of the leaders of the seminar.
I am on the cusp of a long an difficult journey where self management is key. I want this, more than I can say, I want to learn how to manage myself and my life in an effective way. I want to get healthier, I want to get in control of my life, I want to do this!
So why am I terrified?
I was given a workbook about how CBT helps people with extreme Anxiety and had a panic attack reading the book.
I have an envelope full of notebooks and manuals and cds to help me with my Fibro and I haven’t opened it in 4 days because I am terrified and filling with anxiety whenever I look at it.
I know I won’t be expected to step completely out of my comfort zone right away and that it will be small changes and small steps and that this will take months, possibly years before I am really “better”.
It’s just that I know what I will eventually have to do and it’s big and it’s scary and it means stepping away from my comfort behaviours and taking risks and changing habits and being consistent and I am terrified.
Happily the fact I want to change it over riding the fear, just. Once a month I’m going to blog about my treatment and my feelings about it. This is so I can look back and see where I’ve come. At this moment I am not yet in any active treatment and I’m having anxiety attacks about opening an envelope. In a year things may very well be different. I certainly hope they will be.
But we have to start somewhere, and I’m starting here.
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