Light at the end of the tunnel

Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.

I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.

I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.

She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.

Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.

That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.

The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.

So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.

Light

A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.

It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun

I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.

That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.

I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.