Bringing the Black Dog to Heel.

Bringing the Black Dog to Heel

For the years the black dog ruled me

It haunted every step.

It growled when I looked happy

And bit when I was brave.

It taught me to cower and fear

With my true self locked away.

I sought for help from others.

But so many could not aid

They could not see the black dog.

They could not drive it off

They could and did give medicine

Which helped to ease the wounds

But they could not rid my soul

From the black dogs rule

Then someone heard me

And in my open hands

She gave me a link of chain.

To help me take command.

I learned what she could teach me

And made links of my own

And then I sought from others

So that my chain could grow.

With more help from friends

Who understood my plight

I chained up the black dog

I looped my chain around its neck.

I made it come to heel

It’s been four months since it was chained.

And forced under my rule.

The black dog still fights against my hand.

But I can feel it growing tired.        

It will not rule again while I live

Though I know it will never truly yield.

I started this blog right before I was going to receive treatment for Depression and Anxiety.  I've been in recovery for about 4 months. This week, even though I'm sick with the flu I feel like I'm in control.

I used to say I felt like I was in the bottom of a deep black pit, then I felt like I was climbing out...then I felt like I was balanced above it on a tight rope, constantly fighting for balance.  Now, I've come out of this pit and I no longer feel like I'm balancing on a tightrope.  Now I feel like I'm on a bridge, its still a narrow wobbly rope bridge but it's getting sturdier.  I will always have that pit below me, but I will never be at its' bottom again.

Is that enough analogies?

Basically I'm better and while this is always going to be a battle I'm fighting...I no longer feel I need to keep a separate blog about it.  I'm going to leave this up but I probably won't update it again.  Any further posts on my mental health will go on my main blog.

Aim Low to Reach High

This seems apt at the moment because many people are, of course, setting goals and making plans.

My motto at the moment is "Aim Low to Reach High" it sounds counter intuitive but bear with me.

You see part of my CBT was learning about S.M.A.R.T. goals (you can read about them here)which I found very helpful. But I still struggled sometimes with making my goals. Then when I was making a goal about starting a crochet project I knew I can knock out something like 30 rows in a couple of hours, but when I went to make my goal I stopped. Instead of writing that I'd do 30 or 20 or even 10 rows, I said I'd do 5. I picked a time I'd work on it and when I sat down to do it I did more like 50 rows. I not only felt the satisfaction of attaining my goal but the even better satisfaction of over achieving.

That felt great, and during the rest of the week I did even more crochet and actually achieved more other things. What I think happened is by making my goal easy to achieve it took the pressure off, then when I got to the doing it the goal felt easy to do.

I've kept to that and made small goals and consistently over reached them. Yes I knew I'd over reach it but more often then not I'd over reach past what I thought I could actually do. I think by aiming below what I think I'm capable of I give myself confidence, that then means I don't tell myself what I can't but instead say what I can.

For instance, this year I want to start a running program. It's usually 9 weeks. Well I won't be doing it in 9 weeks, not with my fibromyalgia. In fact I think it's going to take me a month per step -9 steps, 9 months. However I'm giving myself 2 months for each step.

So what I'm saying is that I've decided to set myself up for success instead of failure.

I think I prefer it.

Medication

Awhile ago I was talking to a friend about depression. She mentioned she didn't want to be taking her pills as she didn't think she should have to rely on them. I understood that feeling because I have felt like that. But (as I told her) now I have a different view.

I view my anti-depressants the same way a person with...oh well lets say Type 1 diabetes views their insulin. I have an illness, my brain isn't producing certain chemicals correctly, I need medication to be well. The group counselling worked very well for me, but I still need medication and even then it's not plain sailing.

The last couple of weeks I've been up and down, most of the time I've been upbeat and happy but the bad days have happened and been very bad indeed. Not as bad as they were a year ago but bad enough to be worse than "normal" bad days. But I have more tools now and I have faith in myself that I can get past this. I know that depression lies to me now and even when it's convincing I don't trust it. I know that there is an end to it. But I still need my medication.

Medication isn't a weakness, it's a tool and (at least for me)a necessity.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Yesterday I had my phone assessment following the group therapy which finished two weeks ago. I talked about what I was struggling with, what was working, and how I found it helpful. It’s still not easy to stay positive and on top of things but the tools I have been given do help...as long as I remember to do them.

I also mentioned the possibility that I may be bi-polar and coming out of a manic episode. She, like my GP thought it was indeed possible but also seems to feel that I’m taking the CBT on board and channelling that mania in a better way. It’s also likely that if I am bi-polar I lean heavily on the depressive side and probably only really have one “manic” period a year. A slow change rather than a rapid one, which is partly why I was convinced I wasn’t bi-polar for so long.

I mentioned my fears of not having something there to catch me if I relapse in the coming months. She reassured me that when they discharge me I’m put on a register so that if I have to re-contact the service I’ll get a quick response so that I won’t have to wait so long to get help again. That made me feel a lot less apprehensive about the future.

She then did a survey with me, a survey I’d been filling out throughout the service. I filled out many times throughout the group therapy and also back about a year ago when I first started to receive help from them.

Back at the beginning I scored a 28 for depression which is very high, at the end of the group I scored just 9, today I had gone up just three points to 12. For anxiety a year ago I scored 21, at the end of the group I scored only 6, today it was 9. That is with pushing myself to do things that make me anxious (but are good for me), having really bad fibromyalgia flares, having more responsibility with my son, and (perhaps most importantly) the anniversary of my Grandfather’s death on the 25th and the news another family member has died. Taking all that into account a rise of just 3 points is both understandable and really good.

That gave me some real perspective on how I’m feeling and how I’m doing. I need to keep up with my homework and the daily meditation I’d started but if I do, I have a good chance of controlling this. It’s never going to be easy, and there will be times when it’s harder than others. I doubt there will ever be a time when I can go without doing the homework or the mental health reviews but there may be a time when I can do the reviews monthly instead of weekly, and when the homework is easy instead of difficult to do.

The last two days have been difficult to get up out of bed and get moving, but I’ve done it and I think I’ve been a good wife, and a good mother and a good friend. It’s not always easy and I’m not always the best...but I try and maybe that’s the important thing.

So to conclude I’m going to share a poem I wrote about the process...it’s not perfect but it made me happy to write.

Light

A light shines ahead
through the gloom and the bleak.
It pulls me from my bed
when I only want to sleep.

It pulls on me lightly
urging me up and on.
It shines ahead so brightly,
like seeing into the sun

I feel the dark and shades
start shedding from my skin.
In the bright the darkness fades
as I let that light come in.

That light that burns with glory
and envelopes my whole being.
It is the light of my own story,
from the end to the beginning.

I am the light that shines so,
that burns away the dark.
I am the wise old raven
and the morning lark.