"Mommy Can't"

It's a struggle when my son wants to dance or to play running games with me to say no. Especially when I really should.

Yesterday he wanted to dance and be chased and I just didn't have the energy. I was so tired I was almost falling asleep sitting up and was in so much pain that it was obvious to my Mother in law (who is a saint by the way), to the point where she not only offered to help with chores but said she didn't want me to attempt them in my state.

But I couldn't stop myself from dancing with my son. I knew I shouldn't. I knew today I will be in even more agony and it would be hell but I just don't want all of my sons memories of me to be me saying no and being ill.

It's bad enough he knows Mommy can't carry him, and that she needs a stick when we go out or that when he's with me he has to stay near because I just can't keep up with him. It breaks my heart so much I'm actually in tears right now that he knows "Mommy can't".

But maybe that's not what he knows. Maybe he knows Mommy can't carry him but she makes cookies with him, or Mommy reads him books whenever he asks, or that Mommy makes up silly stories to make him laugh. I'm actually not going to defend dancing with him today though it made him happy and my heart a little happy. I'm not going to defend it because it was stupid. It was stupid, and reckless and makes it hard for me to have him later in the week because I will have used up all my energy and be incapable of looking after him because I will be bedridden for the next 2 to 3 days.

If I'm lucky I won't be bedridden but it's not going to be easy for me and I've made it harder on myself. My son won't stop loving me if I can't dance with him. He'll only stop loving if I stop caring...he knows I care and he knows I will always make the time for him and listen to him and that he comes first. I need to remember that instead of breaking myself.