Lies

have been increasing frustrated that people in my life, people I am close to and love dearly, have been apparently bewildered and upset at finding out how deeply depressed and anxious I’ve been. Then I had an epiphany, and I suddenly understood why they were confused and even hurt.

It’s because my dear ones, my kith and kin, my loved ones of all kinds, it’s because I have been lying to you.

In thought, word and action I have lied to you, and I am so very good at lying. Almost every smile and every laugh, every apparent moment of calm, every semblance of control was a lie and inside I was in pain. That’s not to say I was never actually happy, you’re all dear to me, in part because you brought me joy that touched me through my pain and showed be beauty beyond my cracked and twisted view of the world. Whenever I have expressed love, affection or happiness in your company I have meant it, but at the same time I was lying to you.

I have managed to lie even when I have talked, apparently openly, about my depression. Even if you think you have heard or seen me at my worst you haven’t, I have always held something back. Always tried to make it seem less bad then it really was, always trying to keep people from worrying. Often I believed my own lies, believed I was better, believed I didn’t need or deserve help. You see, you weren’t the only one I was lying to I was always lying to myself as well.

I’m lying to you now, I have cut a paragraph out of this post because I was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But basically the cut paragraph was trying to say that no one is to blame for my problems. I was born a sensitive, empathic person, with problems in spatial awareness and numbers, if nothing else school was going to fuck me up. I was destined to have some issues.

Also there is a limit at what friends and family can do if you’re pretending everything is okay, I have lied to everyone except the one person I physical cannot lie to…and I married him.

Now here’s the kicker, the reason I was frustrated with my loved one for being confused is because I didn’t realise you didn’t know.

Even when I became aware that I was hiding my depression I thought you all knew because I thought it was obvious. To me it’s felt like I’m holding a big sign saying I’m depressed on it, it’s only recently that I became aware that it isn’t as outwardly visible as I thought.

I think if I had been able to be honest with myself or my family or even my friends I might have got the help sooner. Saying that there wasn’t very much help around 10 years ago, so maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.

The point of this is to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I’m still lying to you and frankly I can not promise that I will ever stop lying in some way because i can’t be constantly living with my depression on my sleeve. I’m lying to you right now, because I have to. In order to write anything I have to lie by omission. At least I can lie a little bit less, try to show you at least some of the picture. You know instead if hiding it and then getting upset because you don’t know why it looks like, because I now realise you aren’t all psychics.

Oh, and thank you. You’ve all been a help and support to me when I’ve needed it, thank you very much, for sticking by me. Even when its confusing, and even when you know I’m lying you’ve stuck by me and I do appreciate it.