Holy shit today was an emotional minefield.
Basically today we were looking at early experiences or adult experiences that might have contributed to low self esteem.
I had quite a few like bullying and teasing in school and being the “odd one”, and as an adult what struck me is how much I think if myself as odd, as not fitting in. It’s partly a consequence of moving countries and getting to a point where I don’t feel I properly belong to either, and partly because being queer means I feel that I’m not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals….
There’s a lot more but those are main points.
Sometimes I feel I’ve spent my whole life failing to fit in, and now I see I sometimes almost shove my “oddness” in other people’s faces. Not deliberately but because I except to be rejected for it, and when I’m not I prod at it like a sore tooth, trying to make it hurt.
I am a little odd and different, but in a good way. The fact I’m a expat American or queer aren’t that important…I need to be okay with those sides of me and stop worrying how other people think of me.
Saying that my “I would bang her” discussions with my husband will stand…that’s not about pushing my queerness, that’s just being me with my husband and having fun at the same time!
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