Bottom Line

Yesterday it was about identifying the “bottom line” trying to find the core belief about ourselves that starts the cycle of depression and self hatred.

After going through everything there are two thoughts that are the first things I think of whenever I am bashing myself.

“I am stupid”
And much more hurtful was “I am a lazy liar.”

I can name three moments from school where teachers called me a liar when I wasn’t and I can name a lot more incidents with my peers. Those were some of the most hurtful memories I have. Combine that with ages of going to the doctor in pain and exhausted and being condescended and belittled and told I was just fat and if I exercised more then I would be okay. It wasn’t until I was sat in a doctors office in the UK crying because I’m sure I won’t be believed before I got diagnosed with an actual disorder.

The stupid comes from not doing as well as I originally thought I could but even more so because I never got a college education.

But because I am so afraid of being criticised and being labelled “lazy” or worse a “liar” that I avoid all social contact. I hardly leave the house and god forbid I let anyone into my house to see what a mess it is. I am too afraid to try anything to difficult intellectual wise because I’m afraid of failure, and conversely I push myself too hard physically and then collapse. Confirming to my mind that I’m a failure and a liar and lazy.

I’ve built rules to protect myself but they don’t actually protect me, they just feed those awful beliefs about myself.

My rules?

1. Don’t try anything to difficult intellectually, you won’t understand it and just fail.
2. Don’t get to know people, then they won’t have a chance to decide you’re liar and lazy.
3. Don’t let people see the real me
4. I must push myself to do things even when I don’t have the energy to do it.


Yeah….those aren’t going to actually protect me.

This was a difficult process to go through, I cried in group having to admit I believe myself to be lazy and a liar…or at least believe that’s what others think of me. It surprised me that that was at the core of my self image and self hate but it makes sense. I am always terrified people will not believe me, especially in regards to my health. Which is made worse by the fact that it’s an invisible illness and I don’t look sick.

There is a lot more to this as well but yeah, this is at the core. The idea I won’t be believed.