I am shattered at the moment. Exhausted so badly I can clearly see that my fibromyalgia is bad at the moment when it comes to fatigue. But I will try to say what I have taken away from the third week of Self Esteem/Depression workshop.
Today I learned I have Mind/Heart lag. That means intellectually I can go “What I am feeling isn’t reality, this is (blank) and not real” but I am unable to stop the feelings of self hatred, guilt, shame, despair…etc. For a long time I thought that meant I will never get better, and then the woman running the group turns to me and names it and tells me that eventually I will change how I think. Because today was about identifying thoughts for what they are to change the neural pathways from a negative to a positive or at least a neutral.
For instance I need to change the thought pattern that starts with me feeling low 2 weeks before my period and automatically thinking that it’s because I am a failure as a person to “I am feeling low because I am premenstrual”
The husband has compared it to paths on Dartmoor. Once a path is established it gets used a lot and it’s quite hard to start a new path. But once the new path is started it slowly gains more and more traffic and the old path gets overgrown from disuse.
That is what I’m trying to do with my thoughts.
Obviously this course is only going to help if I can keep doing it after this group ends. It’s a challenge but I want this, I can do it.
I hope…
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